If you begin down the road towards divorce it is easy to encounter roadblocks. Many of these barriers are ones that are completely out of your control and must still be dealt with. In some areas, however, it is possible that you can create your own difficulties along the way and become your own worst enemy. With as many elements to a divorce as there are it is easy to create a nightmare divorce case for yourself.
One of the common areas that I see people struggle during a divorce is in the area of emotional and verbally abusive behavior. When I mention this to you images of you and your spouse bickering at each other with your foreheads only an inch apart may spring to mind. While it is possible that you all could act like this (I’ve seen it happen, trust me) it isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I came up with the idea to write this blog.
Your behavior during your divorce is tied closely to your emotional well being, the emotional well being of your child and your financial strength in the years after your divorce concludes. If you are able to control your emotions, work with your spouse instead of against him or her and manage your own expectations it is possible that your divorce could end up being a difficult but manageable affair.
However, if you cannot control your behavior and emotions and let them rule your case you are setting yourself up for a long and very taxing divorce case for yourself, your spouse and most importantly for your children. Let’s examine how verbal and emotionally abusive behavior can take their toll during your divorce.
Exhibiting demanding behavior while offering nothing in return
In your line of work do you ever have to deal with a person who expects you to bend over backward for her? Every request she makes of you is done with the intention of offering her solutions to her problems while you and yours are the farthest things from her mind. Does this person’s attitude make you want to work more with her or never see her again?
I’m willing to bet that we all know someone like this- whether it is in our professional or personal lives. No matter where we know them from, the end result is that when we see him or her walking down the hallway at work towards us or see their name pop up on our caller ID our reaction is the same- to recoil, roll our eyes or to do some combination of the two. Either way- we do not want anything to do with this person and will do whatever it takes to minimize the amount of time with which we have to be around him or her.
No matter how you feel about your spouse, or what he or she has done to merit this divorce, going into a divorce with this same kind of demanding, take no prisoners approach will spell doom for any chance of completing your divorce with minimal cost and emotional output.
The fact is that if you do not put on your negotiating hat early and often during your divorce the feeling will be returned in kind by your spouse. Meaning: if you don’t attempt to negotiate and settle the important issues of your case, pretty soon your spouse will act in the same way no matter his or her intentions at the beginning of your divorce.
When you communicate your positions to your spouse do so by explaining yourself with details about why you are asking for the things that you are or taking the positions that you are. If you state your arguments in terms of demands then your spouse will do the same.
Demands will often result in additional and steeper demands. This behavior will escalate and before you know it your divorce that could have been somewhat amicable has been turned into a war of words.
Negotiating while explaining your motivations to your spouse is a great method to begin your case. Your spouse can learn why you are asking for something instead of making assumptions. Assumptions can sometimes be correct, but you can bet that during a contentious divorce your spouse will not likely assume that you have the best of intentions on a subject, even if you really do.
Explaining your motivations behind asking for something in particular during a divorce from the perspective of what it can mean to your children is especially smart. This is because no matter how your spouse feels about you or your divorce, it is likely that you two share the best interests of your children in common.
If you believe that doing something is in the best interests of your children make sure your spouse is aware of that. He or she may not have looked at it from that perspective.
Attempting to exact some emotional revenge against your spouse
If you are going through a divorce it is likely that you are hurting in some way. Typically it is emotional hurt and sometimes it can even be a physical pain you are feeling. There is no excuse for your spouse treating you poorly or being physically violent for you. Your spouse cannot justify their past behavior and neither can his or her attorney.
In your mind, you may want to have your attorney throw the book at your spouse when it comes to airing whatever grievances you have against him or her. Your Divorce Petition could be littered with accusations about bad acts of your spouse and a temporary orders hearing or trial can be just another opportunity to swing an emotionally heavy stick at your spouse in public to embarrass or get even with him or her. It can feel good to do this. To feel like you’ve settled a score or evened things out.
From my experience, this feeling is only temporary. When you have an opportunity to step back and assess what has happened in your case you will probably regret having taken whatever steps you did to humiliate your spouse. This is true even if your spouse engaged in similar behavior against you.
Why do I think you won’t feel too great about engaging in tit for tat behavior with your spouse and embarrassing him or her in public? If you are taking the time to read a family law blog you are most likely the sort of person who looks for any opportunity you can to better yourself and your family.
Ask yourself then- are you bettering your case or yourself by attempting to sling mud? There are certainly instances where making a judge aware of your spouse’s bad acts is appropriate. However, those circumstances are fewer and more far between than you may think.
Given the opportunity, it is fine to address these issues in a private setting like mediation rather than dragging yourself and your spouse through a contested court appearance. You are unlikely to get closure on the issues you want in court or in mediation, but you can address the issues head-on without the risk of creating an emotionally toxic environment surrounding them.
Mediation allows you to manage yourself and your case by removing the variables of a courtroom and a judge’s opinions. Keep in mind that your tearing an emotional pound of flesh from your spouse may feel good but it does not often result in a better outcome for the emotional victory.
Questions about avoiding emotionally or verbally abusive situations in divorce? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
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Law Office of Bryan Fagan | Houston, Texas Divorce Lawyers
The Law Office of Bryan Fagan routinely handles matters that affect children and families. If you have questions regarding divorce, it's important to speak with one of our Houston, TX Divorce Lawyers right away to protect your rights.
Our divorce lawyers in Houston TX are skilled at listening to your goals during this trying process and developing a strategy to meet those goals. Contact Law Office of Bryan Fagan by calling (281) 810-9760 or submit your contact information in our online form. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan handles Divorce cases in Houston, Texas, Cypress, Klein, Humble, Kingwood, Tomball, The Woodlands, Houston, the FM 1960 area, or surrounding areas, including Harris County, Montgomery County, Liberty County, Chambers County, Galveston County, Brazoria County, Fort Bend County and Waller County.