A divorce is a challenging process. You don’t need to come to an attorney’s blog to tell you that. The emotional, relational, and financial challenges of a divorce are well known. Being able to take advantage of the opportunity to achieve goals for yourself and your children can seem like something out of reach. Many of us who go through a divorce are happy just to make it out of the process alive. Close your eyes, grit your teeth, and make it through the case in one piece. Isn’t that a good enough goal to have in your divorce?
As you begin your divorce the level of difficulty increases when you have a controlling spouse. A controlling spouse knows how to make life difficult for you. Many of you may be getting a divorce because of the difficulties associated with being married to a controlling spouse. Identifying that your relationship needs to end is one thing. Having the courage to start the divorce process from your controlling spouse is another.
However, courage is not something that most people just have naturally. Rather, that courage is developed over time. Having a plan for your divorce from your controlling spouse is a great place to start. Beginning the divorce with a plan and goals sets you ahead of the pack. In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we will discuss how you can divorce your controlling spouse.
What are the ways to identify that your spouse is attempting to control you?
Many times you may be in a position where your spouse is controlling and you do not even know it. You may be used to his or her actions to the point where the controlling is second nature in your relationship. In situations like that you risk going through a divorce without ever knowing the stakes of the case. Or, you may find yourself remaining in a relationship that is failing but have no idea. In any event, being able to determine that your spouse is controlling you is a huge step in the right direction.
Controlling behavior is often times subtle. Just because your spouse is not physically controlling does not mean that you are not being controlled. Not having a concern for your physical safety does not mean that you are in a functional relationship. Rather, signs of controlling behavior may be difficult to identify for some families. It can take time and attention to detail which may be a challenge for you.
If your spouse is trying to isolate you from friends or family that is a sign that your spouse may be attempting to control you. Not allowing you to open your own family or friends is another. Those people who know you well represent a source for you to receive information outside of your spouse. Therefore, your spouse may want you to have no contact with them. Finally, your controlling spouse may take an inordinate interest in the decisions you make on both a micro and macro level.
Do you need permission from your spouse to do most things?
Consider your situation if you were not allowed to do certain things unless you had permission from your spouse. For example, what if you had a friend of the opposite sex who wanted to get together for a social outing with you? Could you enthusiastically express your excitement to join him or her? Or would you need to check with your spouse to see if that would be ok? Some activities are not appropriate to engage in with a member of the opposite sex. However, plutonic outings with a group of people are usually fine. If your spouse refuses to allow you to attend (even if he or she joins you) then that is an example of controlling behavior.
Being denied access to your family bank account is another matter that displays controlling behavior. If you have an account that is controlled by your spouse then that limits your ability to have any control over what goes in and what goes out. Consider a situation where your husband has a bank account where he deposits his paychecks. At the same time, he created a separate “household” account which you have access to. A debit card allows you to pay for household expenses like minor repairs and groceries. Big ticket items need to go through your spouse. This is also controlling behavior.
Finally, consider that if your spouse prevents you from seeing your family then that is controlling behavior. This is a similar situation as you find with not being able to see friends. Any person or group of people who can potentially offer a counter-message is kept from you. This is a painful situation for you since you cannot see your family. Your family will naturally become suspicious of the marriage and your spouse. Unhealthy does not begin to describe these circumstances.
How does the law apply to your situation with a controlling spouse?
The key to any divorce is understanding the connection between Texas family law and your specific case. Understanding the law is not all an attorney will help you with. Rather, an attorney understands the law and how it will likely impact you within your family law case. This is critical. Reading blog posts like this one can provide you with an overview of relevant issues. It cannot guide you in understanding the law in the context of your case. This is where working with an experienced family law attorney helps when your spouse is controlling.
Temporary restraining orders are a terrific way for you to protect yourself at the outset of a divorce. When you have a controlling spouse it can feel difficult to do anything on your own during the divorce. If your spouse controls your relationships and your bank account then there is only so much autonomy that you can have. What a temporary restraining order does is that it gives you back some of that autonomy. You can ask that a court order your spouse not prevent you from accessing funds for legal fees, for example.
Controlling spouses has major issues with boundaries. Your spouse feels like he or she can walk all over you and any boundaries that you try to set up. On a practical level, this looks like your spouse telling you when he wants to see your children. A temporary restraining order can set up a makeshift possession schedule until a temporary order hearing can be held. Establishing firm ground rules can be a major help to you and your family when dealing with a controlling spouse.
A real-life situation involving a controlling spouse and the family finances
An attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan recently used a temporary restraining order to the advantage of her client. Our attorney identified immediately that she was dealing with an opposing spouse who was controlling. He was brash, overly confident, and had his hands on every aspect of our client’s life. In short, our client had no ability within the marriage to do anything on her own. See her family, spend money, or attend to household matters without the permission of her husband.
However, our client was nervous about doing anything to protect herself. She was so used to giving in to her husband that she assumed the divorce would be that way. However, our attorney helped her stand up for herself. A temporary restraining order was filed which prevented the husband was denying our client access to the bank account. This allowed her not only to hire a lawyer from our office but to proceed confidently with the case.
It is difficult to manage all of the issues which arise in a divorce. Whether your divorce is complicated or not, it can help to have a lawyer who knows how to advocate for your rights. This is where the Law Office of Bryan Fagan comes into play. Our attorneys know just how to manage your case, provide you with information, and guide you to make good decisions for yourself. Contact our office today to learn more about the office.
Controlling spouses and the well-being of your children
It is probable that if your spouse is controlling towards you then he will also be controlling towards your children. This can lead to a disaster during a divorce. Imagine not being able to spend time with your children. Most parents would agree that this is a worst-case scenario. A narcissist, controlling spouse may not think anything of this type of situation, however. He may move to control you and your children simultaneously during the divorce.
Don’t let this happen to you. Within temporary orders hearing you have the ability to establish firm, consistent rules for the possession of your children. Instead of feeling the need to agree to whatever terms are set forth by your spouse, present the issues in a contested temporary orders hearing. This way a judge can be present to consider the relevant evidence and make decisions that are in the best interests of your children.
You can bet that your controlling spouse will not think primarily about the best interests of your children in the context of the divorce. Everything he or she sees is through the prism of their life and what impacts him or her. As a result, you may find it difficult to negotiate with him or her. If this is your situation do not fret. A temporary orders hearing and an experienced family law attorney are a terrific combination. Namely, you can avoid potential problems with custody and focus on the best interests of your children.
Supervised visitation as a means to protect your children from a controlling spouse
When it comes to protecting the safety of your children, supervised visitation is one tool in the toolbox for courts. In a supervised visitation setting, your spouse would be able to spend time with your children in a controlled environment. For your spouse to have supervised visitation you need to present significant evidence showing that your child’s well-being is at risk without those guardrails in place.
Supervised visitation does not have to be forever. However, after a temporary orders hearing it can be ordered to occur so that your child can be looked after. There is a lot that can happen to your child when left alone with your co-parent. This is where visitation at either a facility or a third-party location can make a ton of sense. Your child can maintain some degree of a relationship with your co-parent. At the same time, he or she has a greater likelihood of being kept safe from harm.
Have a plan in place when it comes to proposing supervised visitation. It is unlikely that your spouse would agree to you being the person to supervise these visitation sessions. After all, we are talking about a controlling spouse. However, you should have a list of people who are capable of performing this role for your family. The more options you provide a court with the better your chances of having your request granted. Supervised visitation is not the norm. Do not expect your judge to agree to it readily.
Preparing your case is essential when divorcing a controlling spouse
You cannot take anything for granted in your divorce from a controlling spouse. Ideally, you would be able to be the spouse who is filing the divorce. This allows you to prepare ahead of time for what you are going to encounter in your case. Begin to think more about what reasonable goals are for you and your family. Talking with an experienced family law attorney is a great way to brainstorm if you have no goals. The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan excel in situations where the opposing spouse is hard to handle.
Start with your financial circumstances. Collecting financial documents such as those relating to your bank accounts, retirement savings and other investments is a key period much of the time, these documents are saved in a place where you can access them wherever you have the Internet. However, you may be in a position where they are saved in a format on your home computer. In that case, you must be able to save them someplace you will have access to them in the future. Again, with the controlling spouse, you do not necessarily know exactly where your case will go.
From there, begin to organize your case related to your child custody circumstances. School records, report cards, doctor’s visits, and other relevant paperwork are all important to have handy in the divorce. This is the main way that you and your attorney begin to brainstorm goals. Several issues are relevant for planning purposes. The more that you can plan for these items the more control you can exert over the situation.
Final thoughts on divorcing a controlling spouse in Texas
Just because you are married to a controlling spouse does not mean that you cannot exert your level of control over the case. Assuming that your spouse is going to be dictating the terms of your case is a major mistake. Instead, begin to make plans that are geared towards the best interests of your children. It can be tedious to need to negotiate with a person who controls every conversation. That does not mean that you can give up on the negotiation process. Even with a controlling spouse, you can typically arrive at better outcomes when your spouse is at the negotiating table with you.
One of the great equalizers in a divorce case is having an experienced family law attorney by your side. This allows you to advocate more effectively for yourself. Typically, The controlling spouse likes to dominate the conversation and be overly assertive in making points. While you cannot completely negate this reality you can even the playing field. An attorney can help you to begin negotiating on your terms. Rather than approaching every conversation from the perspective of your spouse, you can do so with your considerations in mind.
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan thank you for joining us today on our blog. We post unique and informative content seven days a week. These blogs relate to a range of different family law topics that may impact your life. To learn more about these blog post topics please reach out to one of our attorneys. We can provide you with specific information about your circumstances in a consultation. This is where you can apply the law to your case and gain a tremendous advantage.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Evan Hochschild was raised in Houston, TX and graduated from Cypress Creek High School. He went on to graduate from Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX with an undergraduate degree in Political Science. While in college, Evan was a four-year letterman on the Cross Country team.
Following in the footsteps of his grandfather and uncle before him, Evan attended law school after he completed in his undergraduate studies. He graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and has practiced in a variety of areas in the law- including family law.
Mr. Hochschild is guided by principles which place the interests of clients first. Additionally, Evan seeks to provide information and support for his clients with the heart of a teacher.
Evan and his wife have four small children together. He enjoys afternoons out and about with his family, teaching Sunday school at his church and exercising. A veteran attorney of fourteen years, Mr. Hochschild excels in communicating complex ideas in family law simply and directly.
