Being married to a narcissist is difficult. Divorcing that narcissist may prove to be even more difficult. A narcissist is a person who thinks only of themselves. Since a good marriage is an equal partnership, it is safe to say that a narcissist will never fulfill their end of the marriage bargain. Rather, that person is out for themselves first and foremost. Any benefit you receive from your spouse is purely incidental. This person does nothing out of kindness or generosity. Their focus is always on themselves.
With that description in mind, it is easy to see why divorcing a spouse is challenging. However, that does not mean that you should back down from the need for a divorce. Indefinitely delaying or postponing your divorce is not a good idea either rather, use the information in today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan to help further your goals in a divorce. Stick around as we discuss how to beat a narcissist in a divorce case.
Use tendencies of narcissist against him or her
Narcissists think of themselves first. On top of that, a narcissist believes that they are without error. Undoubtedly, you have noticed this in your marriage to your spouse. He or she likely believes that any negative aspects of their life are caused by someone else. Over time this surely became frustrating for you and the marriage. Now you need to proceed successfully through a divorce against this person.
When your narcissist spouse wants to draw attention to himself, let him. Make sure that you provide him with reminders of his prior bad behavior. His goal will be to make it seem he can do no wrong. However, every person is prone to making mistakes from time to time. Your narcissist spouse may not like being reminded of his mistakes, but it serves the purpose. Number one, it reinforces the idea that your spouse is not above criticism. Number two, you are capable of putting up a fight.
There are almost always two sides to every story. When your spouse insists upon making every story about him be sure to help the court understand the totality of the circumstances. Even if your spouse sets out to make himself seem like the nicest person in the world you should be ready to provide the other side of the story. Doing so helps your spouse remain honest and it also serves to help the court gain a better understanding of who your spouse is. Serving discovery upon your spouse may be a humbling experience for him.
Document all interactions
Once the divorce begins, accurate record-keeping becomes important. Unfortunately, your accurate record-keeping has to do with the basic interactions that you and your spouse share. For instance, when discussing circumstances involving your children you should always be diligent about keeping track of those conversations. Narcissists are prone to misremember conversations and interactions. This is usually done to tilt the conversation in a light more favorable to them. The more accurate you can be in your record keeping the better. This may require you to store text messages or emails for use in evidence later.
Sometimes narcissist spouses are brazen in how they disregard court orders. For instance, your spouse may view the court orders as more of a suggestion than an order. The court orders are not there as suggestions. Rather they explicitly state how you and your spouse are to act during the divorce. If your spouse ignores court orders, make sure you document those violations. You may be able to file an enforcement case later to address those violations. However, accurate record-keeping is critical if you plan on doing this.
Even personal interactions you have with your spouse should be documented. For instance, if your spouse says something to you in person that you think is relevant to your divorce do not simply try to remember what was said. Rather, journal what was said so you can keep track of it better. Most smartphones have a note option or application. Have a diligent system of note-keeping for those times when you need to write down what your spouse said to you. This can end up helping you a great deal in the divorce.
False claims of narcissist
The record-keeping we just finished talking about is especially important if your narcissist spouse decides to tell tall tales about incidents in your divorce. If you know that your spouse is the type of person to embellish or outright lie about events, then record keeping is critical in your case. Sometimes divorce cases come down to arguments over who said what and when. Judges are forced to take your word against that of your spouse. The more accurate you can be in retelling a circumstance the more likely a judge is to consider what you have to say.
Be willing to work with your attorney if he or she asks for additional information about false assertions of your spouse even though you may remember something your attorney may ask for additional evidence to provide to a judge. Remember that your attorney is not trying to bother you with these requests. Rather, your attorney is trying to position you as well as possible so that you can be prepared for a courtroom.
Another way to potentially hold your spouse accountable for false claims and lies is to bring them up in the discovery process. Discovery allows you to ask questions of your spouse. These questions are to be answered under oath. If your spouse continues to lie in discovery that can be used against him in the courtroom. Work with your attorney to develop questions that are geared towards exposing the lives of your spouse.
Thrive on provoking emotional reactions
Think back to when you were in school. Was there a child in your class who was constantly trying to get on the nerves of every student? Most of us can still recall one or two kids from our classes that were like this. Those students would work hard to get an emotional reaction from their intended victim. This could be by provoking a person with words or through their actions. Whatever the case was, this person would attempt to annoy and harass to gain a reaction.
What does all this mean for you in a divorce? First and foremost, it means that you need to deny your spouse the reaction that he wants. Instead, seek to address any concerns you have with your attorney. If your spouse is using language that is derogatory towards you or a family member that is something that needs to be brought up to the court. The better you document these concerns the more likely you are to have them successfully addressed.
Treat the divorce like a business transaction as much as possible. Admittedly, this is difficult given the emotional reaction your spouse is intending to evoke. Ultimately, however, you are the only person who controls your actions. Do not give in to the words of your spouse. Seek the high ground and focus on your goals. Your children, your finances, and your life after the divorce are much more important than giving in to your own emotions during the case.
Facts are your friends
Narcissists tend to have a loose relationship with the truth. This means that your spouse is likely unconcerned with how accurate they are in retailing stories or anecdotes. In your spouse’s mind, a particular story may be true. However, their understanding of the truth may not be all that accurate. Again, the narcissist is so used to getting their way that you may not be able to do anything to cause your spouse to stop lying.
The best response to a lie is to tell the truth. Present yourself to the court as the party who is more truthful. Judges are usually adept at seeing a situation for what it is. You do not need to continually beat your chest and tout yourself as the “honest” spouse. Rather, you can differentiate yourself from your spouse by continually acting as the grown-up in the room. Grown-ups tell the truth. They do not embellish. The more embellishing your spouse does the less likely he is going to be found credible by a judge.
Guidance from an attorney
Having an experienced family law attorney in your case is a tremendous advantage. You cannot always prevent your spouse from lying. What your spouse chooses to do in the divorce will have consequences for him or her. However, when you choose to gain representation for your case you greatly increase your ability to achieve whatever goals you have set out for yourself.
Begin by meeting with an experienced family law attorney at the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. These consultations are free of charge. This means you can talk to one of our attorneys and receive important information about your case. You may know a lot about your situation and a little about the law. What our office seeks to do is provide you with context about your case bearing in mind what the law has to say on divorce in Texas. Once you understand more about the law and its interaction with your circumstances you will be well equipped to proceed in your case.
An attorney in a family law case does not make decisions for you. Rather, an attorney provides you with information. You can use that information to make decisions for yourself in the case. Our attorneys here at the Law Office of Bryan Fagan have the heart of a teacher. This means we take the time to provide you with information about your case, so you are better able to make decisions for yourself.
Clear and concise evidence
Ideally, the evidence you present in your divorce should be clear and concise. This clear and concise information will be able to cut through the noise and lies of your narcissistic spouse. A narcissist often has a complex series of facts that he or she utilizes to try and sway opinion in their favor. Your best bet to counteract these complicated stories is to be truthful and clear with a court. The truth does not need to be complex to be convincing.
This is another reason why having an experienced attorney matters a great deal in a divorce. Your attorney can not only help you collect information but present it. It is not a given that every potential piece of evidence in your divorce will be brought into the record. Rather, it is more likely that some legal knowledge will be necessary to introduce and admit this evidence.
The more quickly you can collect evidence in the divorce the more likely you are to be able to settle your case. Even a narcissist can tell when their spouse has favorable evidence. If you are ever going to convince your spouse that he or she is in the wrong, it will likely require overwhelmingly favorable evidence.
No personal attacks
Above all else, do not give in to your spouse and use personal attacks against him or her. This is exactly what your spouse wants you to do. Using personal attacks against a narcissist is like giving oxygen to a blazing inferno. It is only going to give the narcissist more of a reason to act inappropriately during the divorce. A narcissist who feels like he is being wronged Is prone to act more aggressively. If you want to be able to settle your case, then you are better off trying to stay on the good side of your spouse.
Establishing firm boundaries
Boundaries are such an important part of strong relationships. At this point, it is clear that you and your spouse no longer have a strong relationship. However, that does not mean that your relationship is coming to an end. The two of you still need to be able to work together to settle your divorce. From there, you may need to divide marital property or co-parent with one another.
Boundaries establish what is and what is not appropriate When interacting with another person. They say that good fences make good neighbors. It could also be said that good boundaries make good relationships. It would be difficult to argue that a divorce is easier if you don’t have strong boundaries established with your spouse. That way the two of you are not trying to continually bother or annoy the other person.
Strong witnesses
When you are having to deal with the distortions and lies of a narcissist it is helpful to have a strong witness in your corner. This witness may be a family member or friend who has seen your spouse act inappropriately. Even if you document well the actions of your spouse a witness may be necessary. Going through the names and information of people in your life who can act as a witness is a prudent step to take at the beginning of a case. Your attorney can work with any potential witness to strengthen your case
The best interests of the child matter most
Your spouse’s contention that he knows what is best for your children can be counteracted by showing that he puts his interests before your children. When a court makes decisions for your children it does so Based on their best interests. It is difficult for a narcissist to do the same. Narcissists are almost always more concerned with themselves than they are with anyone else. Unfortunately, this even includes your children.
Talk with your attorney about the best interests of the child’s standard. Your actions and putting your children first should be at the forefront of your arguments on child custody. Even if your spouse argues that he has put the best interest of the children first their actions can be used against them in this regard. Anytime that your spouse has chosen work over your children or themselves over your children, that should be discussed in detail.
Final thoughts on divorcing a narcissist
Divorcing your narcissistic spouse does not need to be an excruciating experience. Your spouse may make the process more challenging but that does not mean you have no options. Instead, begin to organize your case and collect evidence. Then, reach out to an experienced family law attorney. Diligent record keeping and an attorney who knows how to proceed against a narcissist is a winning combination. Thank you for joining us today on the blog for the Law Office of Bryan Fagan.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Evan Hochschild was raised in Houston, TX and graduated from Cypress Creek High School. He went on to graduate from Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX with an undergraduate degree in Political Science. While in college, Evan was a four-year letterman on the Cross Country team.
Following in the footsteps of his grandfather and uncle before him, Evan attended law school after he completed in his undergraduate studies. He graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and has practiced in a variety of areas in the law- including family law.
Mr. Hochschild is guided by principles which place the interests of clients first. Additionally, Evan seeks to provide information and support for his clients with the heart of a teacher.
Evan and his wife have four small children together. He enjoys afternoons out and about with his family, teaching Sunday school at his church and exercising. A veteran attorney of fourteen years, Mr. Hochschild excels in communicating complex ideas in family law simply and directly.
