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Put yourself in the following situation. You and your husband have been married for seven years. Your relationship has had its ups and downs. However, you figure that all relationships of any length have gone through similar issues. With that said the two of you have three children and two fantastic careers. Money is tight but that has more to do with private school tuition and not being on a budget. Overall, your marriage can safely be said to be “steady.”
With that said, you have always wanted to try counseling, but your husband has never been up to it. Something about talking with a stranger about your private issues rubs him the wrong way. From time to time, you bring up the issue, but he retreats and then it is dropped. Not exactly the healthiest way to talk about problems like this but so it goes. However, something has changed in the past few weeks in the marriage. Both of you have stopped talking with one another. You are doing things alone or with the kids but not with one another.
Fearing the worst, you throw caution to the wind and talk to your husband. Even if you think he won’t be receptive you can’t let another moment pass with this “feeling” hanging in the air. What is going on with your relationship and what can be done to fix it? You look at him and he looks back. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan has thoughts on how to manage a situation where your marriage needs saving.
Communication
It doesn’t take a marriage therapist to tell you that communication is key to a successful marriage. Spouses argue. The two of you cannot always be expected to get along with one another. When there is trust in one another and trust in the relationship your marriage can survive difficult times. On the other hand, a lack of trust in the relationship leads to nothing but choppy waters. Developing better communication skills is how trust is built over time. Unfortunately, you and your spouse don’t have much time. How can you see to it that better communication skills are learned now?
It takes effort on both of your parts to improve at communicating with one another. We have all heard the saying that communication is a two-way street. This means that if only one person is communicating that does not make for a very productive environment. Communicating is about talking and listening. You must be willing to talk and listen to communicate with another person. You both must be willing to do both, in other words. Identifying a problem is good but finding a solution to the problem is better.
See if your spouse is willing to talk with you about the issue. Frame the conversation in this way: I am scared about our marriage and I want to talk about it. This way your spouse knows the issue is urgent. Being wishy-washy or not clear about how concerned you are can lead to misunderstandings. For people who are having issues communicating this is the last thing you want to see happen. If your spouse is receptive to the conversation see what you two can accomplish between yourselves. This means, perhaps, having the first real conversation you’ve had with your spouse in some time.
Talking to your spouse- eliminate distractions and stick to the important subject matter
At this stage of a relationship, it is important that you and your spouse not lose track of the important things. Saving your marriage means creating a path for communication. It does not mean harping on the other person for their shortcomings. Nobody is perfect. We all know that each of us has some issues that we can work on. At the point in a marriage where one of you is considering divorce, you do not need to look at each of those issues, however. Now is the time to be productive.
Learning how to communicate is a skill. Unfortunately, not all of us marry with that skill already in our tool bag. If we are honest with ourselves many of us remain married for decades and never learn how to communicate. That, or, we end up divorcing our spouses because of those issues communicating. When you find yourself needing to gain traction on communication it is best to lay your cards out on the table. Be clear about what you would like to see from your spouse. Then, listen for feedback. Be receptive. Do not be defensive.
All of this sounds great in theory. It is especially difficult to take all these lessons to heart when there are distractions in the world. Try to talk with your spouse with the television off and phones put away. Send the kids to bed early. Take the time you need to explain your thoughts and receive feedback. If you do not think that your conversations are productive then seek alternative ways to communicate better with your spouse.
Therapy to correct communication issues
Many people are hesitant to try therapy. We hold so many misconceptions about therapy due to television and the movies. On the one hand, we think of therapists and mental health counselors as “shrinks” who are there to reduce us to our most vulnerable qualities and habits. From another perspective, counselors are there to play referee in every fight we have with our spouses. Calling “balls and strikes” in interspousal fighting matches is not a great use of our time.
Both conceptions may be close to reality in some situations. However, counselors and therapists are not there to be referees. They are there to help you learn better communication skills. Going to see a counselor is not about having a stranger tell you what’s wrong in your marriage. Rather, a counselor is there to help you identify ways to avoid problems through communication. In that way, seeing a counselor is not a “touchy-feely” intervention. It is a practical step used to avoid problems in your marriage. Eventually, yes, you would like to fix those problems in your marriage. For now, avoiding new problems and identifying sore spots in your marriage is good enough.
Fortunately, across Texas, there are hundreds of good marriage and family therapists. These therapists are often covered by insurance. You may even be able to find a reputable therapist in your area through your church. Whatever your preference is for finding help with communication there are options. While you do have options what you do not have is time. When time is of the essence you need to make difficult decisions. Not alone- but with your spouse.
Willingness to change
Think about movies that chronicle the stories of successful men and women. Fictional or nonfictional, the “hero” of the story usually faces a problem that seems insurmountable. Part of the movie spends time with the hero searching for ways to solve the problem. He or she draws upon their experiences and by a process of trial and error works out ways to solve the issue. Unfortunately, these attempts at fixing the problem are usually fruitless. After all, if the hero solved the problem easily then there would not be much of a movie to watch, would there?
What the hero inevitably ends up facing is a situation where he needs to go about solving the problem a different way. That usually ends up with the person needing to go outside their comfort zone to do it. A major physical challenge that in the short term is daunting, dangerous, or both. Mental training that exhausts the person through study or complex calculations. We eventually see the hero succeed but it is not until they are willing to change their methods.
Now take off your superhero cape and look at yourself in a mirror. Do you have what it takes to change? Change is often painful. Emotionally, physically, or both- change causes us to examine our weaknesses firsthand. This is not pleasant for most of us to do. We all enjoy looking at ourselves as the invincible hero. Nobody likes to poke at their underbelly of weakness and doubt. However, that is exactly what you must do to change yourself for the better.
Make a plan to change or adapt
One of the major challenges in a relationship is that people change. As much as we would like to hang onto the good times in a marriage they do not always last. The same can be said for the bad times. All things come and go- both good and bad. Identifying this reality makes for an easier adaptation. If you and your spouse expect to be married to one another for many years you need to anticipate change. Both of you are going to change- in matters great and small.
Handling those changes is what makes a marriage successful or leads to failure. The choice is up to both of you. When we see challenges in the relationship it presents opportunities to roll with the changes. Instead of digging in our heels, we can walk shoulder to shoulder with our spouses. When a spouse changes the relationship needs to change with it. There are times when relationships should not move when an individual spouse makes dangerous choices. That is not what we are talking about here, however.
When you identify a development in the marriage it is up to you to decide about how to proceed. Are you willing to change and adapt? If so, plan for how to do so. What are you going to do to make that change in your life? Talk to your spouse and see what you two can do together. Then, evaluate your own life to make changes there. Luck has nothing to do with it at this point. Effort and intentionality is what makes a marriage. Not coincidentally, it is also what saves a marriage.
Impact on your children
If you and your spouse have minor children together then the impact of a divorce needs to be evaluated based on their experiences. Are you and your spouse able to work together to solve issues? By working on your communication skills hopefully, you are more confident in your ability to do so. What about adapting to the changing needs of your family? By looking at a situation objectively you can find that the only constant in our lives is change. Where can you go from here when it comes to the kids?
As difficult as you think that divorce is or will be on you and your spouse it will almost certainly be more difficult on your kids. Children lack the life experience and emotional development of an adult. As such, do not expect your children to be as resilient and people will optimistically tell you that kids are. The consistency and stability of your child’s life are being overturned by the threat of divorce. Determine what sort of chances you have at saving your marriage. Then, pour everything you have into doing that.
Your children will have different needs based on their ages. Talking to your children about the fighting they may have witnessed in the marriage problems should be a case-by-case examination. Not every family should approach this subject the same way. Rather, look at your children and their needs. What your children need should be pushed to the forefront of your mind. Do what is in their best interests. Talk to your spouse about their thoughts. Hopefully, you arrive at a place where the marriage can be saved.
External support
One of the factors that many people do not consider in a failing marriage is that you have support in the world beyond the four walls of the house. While it may not feel like it all the time every one of us has some degree of a support system that can help us in our times of need. Oftentimes we overlook these folks and instead look inward to solve all our problems. While it is important to identify areas of need in our own lives, we should also consider text kernel sources of support during difficult times in our marriage.
Start to consider what your support system looks like in your immediate area. Friends or family who can offer a sympathetic ear is a great place to start. Sometimes we forget that we have people in our lives who are willing to help us by just listening to our problems. This does not mean that it is a one-way street, however. We also need to be willing to go to that person when he or she needs our help. We talked earlier about how communication is a two-way street. Relationships function in the same way. Evaluate what sort of support system you must help you during these times of need in the life of your family.
Once you have thought clearly about your family circumstances then you can talk to them about the life of your family and problems presented in your marriage. What do other people need to know about you to help? How do you see the next few weeks and months developing in your marriage? Share these thoughts with your family. You may be surprised at the feedback you receive and the potential help available.
Final thoughts on saving a marriage
Every marriage is different. What makes your marriage unique also be what helps save your marriage. Identifying the problem areas in your marriage may take time and effort. That means working with your spouse as soon as you identify a problem. It solves no problem and serves no one to wait around and expect the issue to solve itself. Rather, you need to take it upon yourself to take the first step. If you are not willing to change, then why would you expect your spouse to be willing to do so?
Communication means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Letting your spouse speak to you openly and honestly about their perception of the issues in your marriage is important. You cannot expect to share with your spouse all your concerns and completely ignore him. When communication is a two-way street, you may not like every vehicle that rides on that road. Being prepared to experience emotions and feedback he may not like his part of the maturation process.
Whatever ends up happening in your marriage, the Law Office of Bryan Fagan has your back. We provide useful and informative content here on our blog each day of the week. As you begin to try and save your marriage, we hope that you will gain trust in our attorneys to help you learn more about the opportunities available to help save your relationship.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
