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Before you initiate a divorce, it’s important to plan how to handle parenting during the process. Often, there’s a lack of advice on managing this aspect, which is why I want to share insights from my experience as both a family law attorney and a parent. While our blog regularly covers the legal implications of family law case actions, it doesn’t always provide guidance on how to effectively manage parenting during a divorce. In this article, I’ll also highlight common mistakes to avoid during divorce, helping you sidestep pitfalls and ensure a smoother transition for both you and your children.
Today I will try and save you some heartache and problems of all sorts by sharing some tips that you can implement to avoid mistakes in parenting and managing a divorce. While not all of these pieces of advice may be relevant to you, I believe that many of them will be.
If you are moving, do so with your child in mind.
It is unavoidable in most cases that either you or your spouse will be moving out of the family home as a result of the divorce. In many instances, the move will come before the beginning of the divorce. Your home environment may be so toxic and inhospitable that you need to leave for the sake of your children and yourself. In some cases, the court will order you to leave the house because your spouse is granted temporary exclusive possession.
Either way, if you are leaving home, you need to be aware that wherever you choose to move needs to be a place that your child will feel comfortable in. Here is where we need to walk a fine line. On the one hand, I just said that your new residence needs to be what your child feels comfortable living in. That means you shouldn’t pick the cool condo downtown with the great view if you have four kids who will be coming over in a few weeks for their first visit since the start of your divorce.
Choose a new home based on affordability and practicality. It doesn’t need to be perfect—just safe and comfortable for your children. As they spend more time there, they’ll start to feel at home. Maintain consistency in how you parent, regardless of the new environment. Assign age-appropriate chores, enforce rules, and engage in activities just as you did in the old home. This approach will help your children adjust smoothly to the change.
Let your kids be kids, and don’t involve them in the process of your divorce.
Your children are such a big part of your life that it would be easy to let the divorce case begin to bleed over into your parenting of your kids. It does make sense on some levels to keep your children informed about the subject so that they are not entirely clueless about what you and their other parents are going through.
However, the individual facts and circumstances associated with your divorce do not necessarily need to be shared with your children. First of all, they are children. They do not have the mental faculties to process all of the circumstances of your case. Even teenage children have never dealt with the things you are dealing with. They are not prepared to handle what you are going through. The last thing you want to do is cause them stress unduly.
Another huge part of this discussion is that your court orders will bar you from saying negative things about your spouse to your children or from involving them in the case. The best thing to do would be to keep them up to date on the progress being made. You can let them know how close you are to the end of the case and what steps need to be taken to complete your divorce.
You do not need to share a timeline because you don’t know how much longer you have or what could happen to delay your case without notice.
The other thing that I see parents doing, especially with older kids, is using the kids as messengers. Having your child give updates to your spouse during the divorce is not a good thing to do. Telling your child partial information on a subject causes them to wonder and worry about the significance of the message that they may be relaying for you. Also, depending on your spouse’s reaction to the statement, your child may feel like they have caused their parent pain. You can avoid this problem by communicating directly with your spouse and not using your child as a means to do so.
Be careful with what you say about your spouse in front of the kids.
You may be in a position where you are livid with the actions and decisions of your spouse. You may feel that this divorce was caused entirely by them and that you are the innocent party in all of this. Even if you are fully justified in feeling this way, you need to be careful about voicing your negative opinions about your spouse in front of your children. Not only does this violate the court orders b, but ut it can also be a huge impediment to your children transitioning into their lives post-divorce.
Remember that your children are not exposed to varying viewpoints like an adult is. They go to school and interact with children and teachers there, but then they come home and have you and your spouse as role models. As such, they value what you have to say perhaps more than you might think. As a result, you need to take this to heart and start to appreciate what you have to say as much as your children do.
Avoid asking your children for updates.
The other thing that I will denote is that what you say about another person is not necessarily reflective of them but more reflective of yourself and your character. Think about all the times in your own life that you have heard another person speak badly of a person who is not in the room. Does the person talking ever look like an upstanding, honorable person? I’m willing to bet not. Most of the time w, when I hear another person talking about someone who’s not within earshot, I wish would stop talking. Don’t let your children see the worst side of you in badmouthing their other parents. They probably feel caught in the middle of you and your spouse to a great extent already, and hearing you say negative things will only add to that problem.
Let your ex-spouse live their life
It is normal to be at the very least curious about the goings-on of your ex-spouse. After all, that person was your partner in life for an extended period, the other parent to your child (although that hasn’t changed), and recently went through a trying ordeal with you. Now, you may have questions about how the marriage failed, what comes next, and what will happen to you. Wanting to know how your ex-spouse is handling the situation is understandable.
However, it’s best not to ask your children for those updates. First of all, your children will be very accurate at relaying messages, especially if they are younger. To test this idea of mine out, go ahead and ask your five-year-old what happened at school today. I can almost guarantee their answer will be about 10% truth and 90% fantasy. Kids are just not very good at recalling information that has to do with emotions or occurrences. If you want to know about a specific event, they might handle it fine. However, a series of events or something more complex could be more challenging for them. Why bother asking, in that case?
You need to keep in mind that you don’t stand to benefit much from asking questions about what your ex-spouse is up to. If you find out that your ex-spouse is doing great, you might not feel so well yourself. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. On the other hand, if they are doing poorly, you will likely get satisfaction in that. This is probably not the way you want to appear to yourself or your children. So why not just let your ex-spouse live their life, and you can do the same?
You are sharing possession of your children with your ex-spouse- remember that
Your children are your children, but they are also your ex-spouse’s kids. Meaning: do not act as if you are the only parent that matters. At all times, their other patent matters, as well. Take advantage of every available moment, but remember that your ex-spouse also has the right to spend time with your kids. As such, do not abuse your possession schedule and run over your time. Taking your child to your ex-spouse thirty minutes late continually is not only disrespectful of your ex-spouse, but it also puts you in violation of your court orders.
The earlier in the process you realize that your ex-spouse has just as big of a role in praising our children as you do, the better off you will be. This doesn’t mean that you have to drop the kids off early at the other parent’s. This does not mean that you need to run every planned activity with your children through another parent to ensure they know what is going on. What it does mean is that you are best off being respectful of the other parent. This takes little effort but does require that you be aware of other people and their needs —even the needs of a person that you just finished getting a divorce from.
Remember that your divorce is in the past- treat it that way
In conclusion, being mindful of the actions you take during a divorce is vital for both your emotional well-being and the success of your co-parenting relationship. By avoiding rash decisions, negative behaviors, and letting emotions drive your choices, you set a positive foundation for a smoother process. Focusing on clear communication, professionalism, and prioritizing your child’s needs can help you navigate the complexities of family law case actions. Steering clear of common pitfalls allows you to foster a healthier environment, ensuring a more stable future for your family.
Your divorce is over and should not be revisited. Although you might need to return to court for future issues, avoid bringing up the reasons for the divorce, the divorce itself, and the immediate aftermath repeatedly. Tomorrow’s blog post will begin by focusing on this topic.
Questions about divorce in Texas? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
If you have any questions about the material that we shared in today’s blog post, please do not hesitate to contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Our licensed family law attorneys offer free-of-charge consultations six days a week here in our office. These consultations are an excellent opportunity to speak with an experienced attorney who can provide you with specific feedback about your case as well as answers to your questions.
We work in the family courts of southeast Texas every day and do so with a great deal of pride. We work on behalf of our clients, who we see as our neighbors and members of our community. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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