Adults make a plan and stick to it, no matter if it is difficult. Children, on the other hand, do what feels good. To a narcissist, nothing feels better than feeding their ego and making the divorce all about themselves. Unfortunately, that means that you are caught in the middle of your spouse’s attempt to make the divorce all about him. Then again- this is probably something that you are already used to. However, navigating the divorce process with your spouse is going to be a first-time event for you.
This is the scene as you prepare for your divorce. You may have filed the case, but your spouse is not going to miss the opportunity to make it all about him. For one, this suits your spouse as far as feeding his narcissistic tendencies. Secondly, being a narcissist to the extreme may stand to improve his position in the divorce. In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we are going to discuss this topic in greater detail. How can you prepare for a divorce from your narcissistic spouse?
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who tends to look at themselves and then hold that gaze. When you are married to a narcissist do not expect to get a word in. Rather, your expectation should be that you are going to need to push for your opinion to be heard. After all your spouse’s opinions are heard around the clock in his head. Therefore, it is easy to feel like the narcissist in your life cares more about himself than you. Not only that but he doesn’t even consider you to be important enough to listen to.
In short, a narcissist makes it all about him or her and makes no secret about it. He may try to do it in different ways depending on the situation. You about about to see how the different periods of a divorce can bring about different methods of exhibiting narcissism from your spouse. However, the general principle holds that your spouse is going to make the case all about him.
You cannot simply buckle up and let it happen, however. You need to be able to go on offense and do something about the behavior. Stop it before it starts. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, in other words.
Try counseling. It may be out of the question with a narcissist
Many times at the beginning of a divorce an attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan will advise a client to attempt counseling. For some spouses, this works well. A few counseling sessions help to increase communication at home. Difficult subjects become more easily discussed. Overall, the quality of your marriage may improve as a result of learning just a couple of techniques related to communication skills. Clients pause and then ultimately end their divorce with some regularity after attending counseling.
However, in your situation, it is less likely that counseling would be effective. On top of that, it is less likely that your spouse would even consider counseling. That does not mean to not try. Asking your spouse to attend counseling is worth the effort even if you think there is no way that he will consider it. However, it is better to ask and then be told “no” than to never have asked in the first place.
Counseling is not about the counselor picking a “winner” in the various sessions. Rather, counseling has more to do with learning and developing communication skills. This can be a productive outlet for a family like yours considering a divorce. For a narcissist, a counseling session may turn out to be nothing more than an opportunity to make the situation all about themselves.
Narcissists play the victim, except when they don’t
Your narcissistic spouse may make himself out to be the victim in all this. He is the innocent spouse, trying desperately to save your marriage. You are cast as the careless, heartless spouse who wants nothing more than to ruin the marriage. Too self-centered to see the cracks in the foundation of your relationship. The gaslighting will be something to behold in many situations. This is what you have to look forward to. Making you look like someone who has taken on the characteristics of your spouse.
For many narcissists, the divorce is nothing more than an opportunity to put on the acting performance of a lifetime. This is already a time when your spouse knows a lot is at stake. Your children and your property are foremost among them. Not that he particularly cares about either subject. Rather, the main consideration for your spouse is to make himself look good. As always, the concern is also to keep an eye on him as the two of you manage your divorce.
This is not anything personal against you, either. The tendency is for the spouse of the narcissist to look at the case and think that you have done something wrong. Or that you should have seen this coming. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, the narcissist sees a divorce as another opportunity to make it all about him. At best, you are a bit player in this entire operation. More than likely, he sadly sees you as just another supporting actor in this movie centered around him.
Narcissists have a long memory
Is your narcissist spouse the type of person to remember every small slight made against him, ever? Does he constantly rail against people in traffic who cut him off? Don’t they know I am? He may as well be asking this. A boss or co-worker who doesn’t thank him for performing a task. I could be doing anything, but instead, I am spending my time helping this person who doesn’t even have the manners to say thank you. The list goes on and on.
Your spouse hates to be overlooked. Any opportunity to bring up old slights that he suffered (in reality or his imagination) will be taken advantage of. Do not expect the divorce to be any different. If anything, the divorce is an even greater opportunity to expand his reach. Instead of focusing on the well-being of the kids expect that he cares more about you thinking that the kids are better off with you as the primary conservator.
When it comes to the breakup of your marriage, any supposed misstep on your part will be mentioned. A small indiscretion on your part from a decade ago may be hyperbolized to suit whatever narrative your spouse is attempting to promote. Again, your spouse’s memory is long. It is tailored to help him always come out looking innocently enough. The people in his life, like you, are either small-time actors or outright antagonists.
Fault grounds for divorce
In Texas, you do not need to specify a particular fault ground for divorce. Rather, divorce is something that can be gained simply by alleging insupportability as your rationale for the divorce. This means that you do not need to be overly specific in how you approach the case. However, with a narcissistic spouse expect that the routine method of filing for divorce does not apply.
Fault grounds for divorce serve multiple purposes. Beyond holding a bad-faith spouse accountable for their actions, it benefits the innocent spouse in the divorce itself. First, when it comes to property division it may allow for a disproportionate share of property to be divided. Courts divide property according to what is just and right. This standard does not mean that an even split of property always occurs. Rather, a just and right division reflects fairness rather than an even split.
When you allege fault grounds in your divorce petition you may convince a court to award you favorable conservatorship orders. Conservatorship orders are the ability to make decisions on behalf of your children. A fault ground like abandonment, adultery, or cruel treatment may lead a court to find that you are better suited to be a primary conservator compared to your co-parent.
What may happen if you file for divorce?
If you file for divorce that means catching your spouse by surprise. He may deny being surprised about actions but a narcissist may be so wrapped up in his thoughts that he truly did not see the divorce coming. In that case, your spouse may react badly to the divorce petition. Feeling wronged is a major slight in the eyes of a narcissist. That anyone could decide to do something like file divorce against him is a shot to his pride.
Your spouse will need to file an answer to your petition for divorce approximately within twenty days of having been served with divorce papers. Your spouse may file for divorce and create even more acrimony based on his allegations in the divorce petition. False fault grounds for divorce may be alleged. He may ask for more conservatorship rights than he otherwise would.
Having a plan of action to counteract his tendencies is important. An experienced family law attorney helps you when it comes to developing an overall strategy for your case. One of the key advantages of filing a family law case is that you have more time to prepare. Use this time wisely and you will find that you have a better divorce experience. There is only so much that you can do to counteract your spouse. A diligent family law attorney is one way to help your cause.
What may happen if your spouse files for divorce?
The element of surprise and the ability to plan goes away with your spouse filing for divorce. A narcissistic spouse may take actions to prepare for his divorce which puts you in a difficult situation. For one, your spouse may think nothing of taking money out of your joint checking account and placing it into a separate account which you do not have access to. All the while, that leaves you with very little spending money of your own.
When your spouse files for divorce even more extreme measures may be taken. For instance, have you considered that your spouse may change the locks on your home? Or what if your spouse takes your car keys? These are viable options when your spouse is a narcissist who does not consider the feelings or needs of another person.
On top of these bad outcomes, you have no time to prepare for any of them. At least when you file for divorce you have the element of surprise at your disposal. Additionally, you can present a set of circumstances to your attorney and prepare. Now you are playing defense as the respondent in a divorce. This is not a “forever” position. However, for the time being, you will need to play defense.
How to talk to a narcissistic spouse?
If you had a good idea of how to talk to your narcissistic spouse you would probably have put that into motion already. Here are some tips and tricks on how to approach your spouse in conversation. At this point in the relationship, you are purely trying to be a good negotiating partner. Trying to repair the marriage is beyond what you are trying to do. Just trying to work with your spouse on a settlement is enough.
Putting things in terms where he is more likely to respond favorably is a big part of this equation. For instance, help your spouse to come around to your position by phrasing things from his perspective. He does not particularly care about how things look from your vantage point. Rather, put them into perspective for him. Help him to see things and how they will affect him. This will go a long way towards identifying what matters most to him in the divorce.
In some cases, it may be easier for you to negotiate between your attorneys than directly with your spouse. In some cases, your spouse will not be able to be civil with you. For that reason, putting attorneys between the two of you may be the best decision you make in the divorce. The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan are equipped to help you negotiate under the most difficult of circumstances. For any family who struggles with communication consider working with an experienced attorney.
Narcissists like attention- don’t give it to them
Think of a narcissist in a divorce like your three-year-old son. Your son wants attention or candy what does he do? Does he ask for it respectfully and patiently? Not likely. Rather, it is much more likely that he will pitch a fit and act inappropriately. This may not be his behavior all the time but it is a common occurrence. Any parent can tell you that it is not uncommon to find that your child acts the worst when he feels sick, tired, or stressed out.
Adults are not so different in many ways. Narcissistic adults crave attention. They see nothing wrong with getting that attention in ways that many of us would never think to do. What you and I find embarrassing the narcissist may look at as no big deal. All actions of a narcissist are justified. The narcissist is never wrong. This is a difficult person to engage in a divorce with.
Your job in the divorce is to follow your game plan. If you do not have a game plan, talk to the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. We can help you develop a strategy designed towards helping to achieve your goals. This is true even when your spouse is a narcissist. Attorneys help when the circumstances appear most dire. A narcissist is not an impossible divorce partner. However, there are challenges with this type of case. Allow an attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan to help you and your family.
Final thoughts on divorcing a narcissist
When you are going through a divorce. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is here to help you. We have an experienced team of family law attorneys which you can count on. It is an intimidating prospect to face a divorce from a person who is not easy to work with. There are factors to consider like helping your children that need to be considered, as well. This is a goal that may be difficult to manage considering your narcissist spouse.
The Law Office of Bryan Fagan appreciates you spending time with our office today here on our blog. We post unique and informative blog posts each day of the week. Have questions about the information written about today? Contact our office for a free of charge consultation.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Evan Hochschild was raised in Houston, TX and graduated from Cypress Creek High School. He went on to graduate from Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX with an undergraduate degree in Political Science. While in college, Evan was a four-year letterman on the Cross Country team.
Following in the footsteps of his grandfather and uncle before him, Evan attended law school after he completed in his undergraduate studies. He graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and has practiced in a variety of areas in the law- including family law.
Mr. Hochschild is guided by principles which place the interests of clients first. Additionally, Evan seeks to provide information and support for his clients with the heart of a teacher.
Evan and his wife have four small children together. He enjoys afternoons out and about with his family, teaching Sunday school at his church and exercising. A veteran attorney of fourteen years, Mr. Hochschild excels in communicating complex ideas in family law simply and directly.
