Are you married to a narcissist? Odds are you may be. Many of us hold rather high opinions of ourselves. We tend to think that we can do no wrong. When bad things happen to us it is likely that we immediately think that another person is the cause of the bad occurrence. After all, narcissists think that the world revolves around them. Except, that is when the world goes wrong. Then it is usually somebody else’s fault.
It should come as no surprise that you may be blamed for any shortcomings in your marriage. We see this happen all the time in the world of divorce. A marriage begins to hit a rough patch. Rather than attempt to work together to solve the issue, a narcissist will immediately look to blame their spouse. Even if the spouse has something to do with the problem it is unlikely that he is the sole cause of the harm. As a result, one spouse is made to feel like the cause of the marriage’s problems.
Today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is for you if this is the situation you find yourself in. We are going to talk about how to identify if your spouse is a narcissist. Just as importantly, we are going to discuss why it is important to know whether your spouse is a narcissist.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who believes that they are the center of the universe. Not only their universe but the people around them, as well. Having an overinflated sense of self is a common trait for narcissists to possess. It is a dangerous personality trait because narcissists downplay their negative role in the lives of other people. As a narcissist, your spouse may not see their negative impact on your life. This is a troublesome position to find yourself in.
Narcissists have difficulty admitting fault but have no problem taking credit. A narcissist will often exaggerate their accomplishments. In all, narcissists have warped senses of themselves and reality. As a result, you need to be mindful of how you behave around a narcissist. Having a spouse is not an impossible situation but it is more complicated. Identifying signs of marrying a narcissist would be a great tool to possess while dating.
Marriage with a narcissist
It can be easy to find yourself involved in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists can present themselves as one thing while being another thing altogether. For example, your narcissist spouse may hold themselves out as a caring individual. He or she may act that way as long as it suits him or her. After that, your spouse may resume acting as a narcissist. This is to your detriment. Finding yourself in a position where you are married to a narcissist means communication becomes very important.
Ultimately, it is very difficult to have a functional relationship with a narcissist. Communicating concerns and boundaries with your spouse is hopefully something that you learned early in the relationship. If not, then it becomes difficult to sustain any sort of meaningful relationship with him or her. Narcissists either overstep or completely ignore boundaries. Meaning that you are in a position to be taken advantage of over time.
Jealously and possessiveness as tools of the narcissist
Narcissists employ various tools to keep their spouses in their control. Many times, a narcissist will act possessively towards you. Treating you like a possession establishes a critical power dynamic in the relationship. You are controlled by your spouse as an animal or personal possession may be. You are not viewed as being an equal to your spouse. Rather, you are viewed as being less than important. A minor actor in the major events of your spouse’s life.
As an innocent spouse, you need to be able to identify signs of possessive behavior. At first, it may be flattering to be seemingly desired in this way by your spouse. You see your spouse acting in a way that is somewhat flattering towards you. It makes you feel wanted, almost good in some way. However, this is a fleeting feeling that is not a long-term strategy for you to employ. Rather, you need to be able to identify and process this sort of situation effectively.
Talking to your narcissistic spouse about divorce
Ultimately, we are discussing the subject of being married to a narcissistic spouse because you may need to discuss divorce with him or her. Rather than avoiding the subject altogether you should try and engage your spouse on the subject. Sometimes all it takes is being able to have a good discussion to turn around a relationship that is on shaky ground. As a result, here are some tips to talk to your spouse about a divorce.
You are not trying to blame your spouse for anything. Rather, you must be able to initiate a conversation where your spouse can feel heard but not blamed. Even if he or she is to blame for a particular issue, blaming him or her serves no purpose. If you are trying to salvage the marriage, then blaming her for something does nothing to help salvage the relationship. Or if you are trying to start a divorce, blaming your spouse for something is a good way to alienate him or her.
Try discussing the divorce as someone objective. Phrase your opinions in terms of your own experiences. Say the word “I” more than you say the word “you.” Narcissists can feel attacked more than they ought to. However, once a narcissist feels attacked, commonly, he or she will shut down. At that point, a meaningful conversation becomes especially difficult.
A narcissist as a parent
If you think being married to a narcissist is difficult, imagine being the child of a narcissist. Your children experience difficulties every day because of the narcissistic tendencies of your spouse. Whether they know it or not, your children are being shaped in their personalities and temperaments by both you and your spouse. This is for better and for worse. When it comes to your spouse it is likely for the worse due to their narcissism.
Unfortunately, narcissists are narcissistic no matter who the person is dealing with. It is one thing for a spouse to act narcissistically at work or within their social circles. For your spouse to act like a narcissist to your children is especially damaging. Children have less of an ability to both identify narcissistic traits and to protect themselves from the effects of that person’s behavior. Meanwhile, your child is more likely to mimic the behavior of your spouse in their own lives. One generation of narcissism creates another generation.
What may your spouse act like during a divorce?
It is difficult to determine how a narcissist will act in a divorce. Your spouse will likely follow a path towards caring for themselves and their own needs. It is difficult for a narcissist to see a situation from the perspective of anyone other than themselves. You can be sure that no matter how your spouse acts, it will not be in a way that shows empathy towards you or your children. Remember, your spouse is the central character in their own story. You and your children are small, minor characters at best.
How to discuss the divorce with your spouse
Discussing the case with your spouse before you file a divorce is a point of emphasis. Catching anyone off guard when filing for divorce is something to be avoided. We at the Law Office of Bryan Fagan understand that there are circumstances where you would not want to discuss the divorce with your spouse. An example of this could be if you believe that your spouse will react with violence or has done so in the past.
However, in a situation with a narcissist you should consider that a warning or head’s up can go a long way. Narcissists don’t like to feel like they are being taken advantage of. To be fair, nobody enjoys feeling this way. We all want to feel like our opinions matter and that our relationships are important. Having a divorce filed against us out of the blue is enough to make anyone feel unimportant.
Take a moment to talk to your spouse about the case. Discuss your concerns. Be clear but not cruel. There is no need to point fingers or otherwise place blame. Share your feelings and allow him or her to share theirs. If you find the conversation to be productive you can continue discussing the case with him or her. Otherwise, you can go in another direction. At least you would have attempted to meet your spouse halfway through positive communication.
Don’t expect to change your spouse
You, more than anyone, know how your spouse is when it comes to their personality. After all, you married this individual. We see in movies and television shows how a spouse’s heart and mind can be opened by the words of their husband or wife. It makes for a great story when a marriage can be salvaged at the last minute. Is this a likely or even possible outcome for your case?
It’s possible that your spouse “sees the light” and starts to make amends after discussing a situation with you. However, it is unlikely that this would happen. Narcissists are especially difficult to be convinced of anything. As my grandmother would tell me: a person convinced against their will agrees still. This means that if you try to convince a person of something it needs to be with their consent. Otherwise, the change in opinion will not be authentic.
It is an uphill climb to change the opinion of a narcissist. You are trying to work with this person in a way that can positively impact your life. You may have children who are impacted by their decision, as well. However, this is not easy to accomplish. It would need to take a great deal of consideration on your part and that of your spouse to change the trajectory of the situation. Without a buy-in like that, a divorce is likely to take place.
Negotiating with a narcissist
We have already discussed some ideas surrounding communicating with your spouse. Hopefully, you have been able to lay the groundwork for communication so that you can negotiate better with your spouse. One of the most significant misnomers about divorce has to do with who makes the decisions on a case. Many people presume that judges are the final decision-makers in a case. However, this is not true. You and your spouse are given a great deal of authority when it comes to making decisions within your case.
When it comes to fulfilling your obligation to yourself and your family it is important to note that you can still negotiate with a narcissist. It may take more planning but it can be done. When negotiating with a non-narcissist, you could find that he or she is willing to see the situation from your perspective. Empathy is a human emotion that allows you to see a situation from the perspective of another person. However, this is not always possible when you are negotiating with a narcissist.
With that said, your spouse may truly struggle with being able to approach a situation from your vantage point. This is a frustrating position to find yourself in. When your spouse is negotiating with you remember this. Go the extra mile and help him see it from your perspective. He may have sped past the stage where he would look at things from your perspective. Causing him to slow down to consider your circumstances is key. The more you can get him to consider your perspective the greater the likelihood that your divorce turns out favorably for your family.
The importance of hiring an experienced family law attorney
It is always a good idea to consider having representation in your divorce case. Having never gone through a divorce before you will want to have some kind of assistance in your case. Understanding how the law is impacted by your potential circumstances is a major part of a divorce. Having someone who can help you navigate every case from this perspective is invaluable. Reaching out to the Law Office of Bryan Fagan for a free-of-charge consultation is a wise decision for you to make.
Having an attorney by your side also helps if you need to negotiate with a narcissistic spouse. By having an attorney in your case, you can negotiate with someone other than your spouse. Of course, nothing is stopping you from negotiating directly with your spouse. That occurs in divorce cases with great frequency. However, when you are in a divorce with a narcissist you may find that negotiation with your spouse is quite difficult. As a result, having an attorney to negotiate through may provide you with a better opportunity to settle your case.
The reason for this is that your spouse and you can allow the attorneys to convey settlement offers and make counter-proposals. Rather than having to discuss the case together, you can use your intermediaries to take some of the edge off the negotiations. You can also hope that your spouse’s attorney will talk to him or her about their actions and can minimize the damage done during a case. Hearing from a third party that he or she is acting inappropriately may be enough to help propel your case toward a settlement.
Final thoughts on divorcing a narcissist
Going through a divorce with a narcissist is difficult but not impossible. A key to this process is having a plan. If you go into your divorce without a plan it is unlikely that you will meet and accomplish any of the goals that you may have for yourself. Creating a plan for your case makes it more likely that you will even have goals in the 1st place. Working with an experienced family law attorney allows you the opportunity to create goals and develop a plan geared toward success.
The Law Office of Bryan Fagan thanks you for spending part of your day with us here on our blog. We offer free-of-charge consultations six days a week. These consultations allow you to ask questions and receive feedback about your case. Our attorneys serve clients inside and outside of the family courtrooms of Texas every day. We post unique and informative content on our blog every day. Our office has multiple locations around the state of Texas. Wherever you are, the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is here to serve you.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Evan Hochschild was raised in Houston, TX and graduated from Cypress Creek High School. He went on to graduate from Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX with an undergraduate degree in Political Science. While in college, Evan was a four-year letterman on the Cross Country team.
Following in the footsteps of his grandfather and uncle before him, Evan attended law school after he completed in his undergraduate studies. He graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and has practiced in a variety of areas in the law- including family law.
Mr. Hochschild is guided by principles which place the interests of clients first. Additionally, Evan seeks to provide information and support for his clients with the heart of a teacher.
Evan and his wife have four small children together. He enjoys afternoons out and about with his family, teaching Sunday school at his church and exercising. A veteran attorney of fourteen years, Mr. Hochschild excels in communicating complex ideas in family law simply and directly.
