A divorce case is all about transitioning into the next phase of your life. While it can seem like the divorce will never come to an end the reality is that the case will be over with sooner rather than later. In that sense, the time to begin preparing for your post-divorce life is now. The sooner you can begin thinking about your life after the divorce the better prepared you will be for those challenges. Again, the challenges of a divorce are temporary. While the opportunities presented after your divorce can last for an indefinite period.
In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we are going to discuss how to co-parent with your spouse after a divorce. A divorce marks the end of your marriage. Even for those of you who are looking forward to the divorce the end of your marriage can be an abrupt and sudden change in your life. As a result, being able to manage those changes will determine how successful you are. Specifically, learning how to co-parent with your ex-spouse can take practice. For this reason, you should be as intentional as you can about developing the skills necessary.
What are boundaries in connection to relationships?
Before we go any further in today’s blog post we need to spend some time discussing what boundaries mean in the context of a relationship. When you build a relationship with another person there are different aspects to that relationship. Each of us has a limit to what a person can say to us in conversation. Additionally, we all have limits in terms of what we are willing to tolerate when it comes to physical closeness. Both can be looked at as boundaries.
Spouses develop boundaries with one another. Although you may be more willing to tolerate certain behavior from your spouse that does not mean you have a lack of boundaries. Simply put, the marriage relationship may allow you to have a different set of boundaries for your spouse than with other people. This allows for greater emotional and physical intimacy. On many levels, this is necessary when you consider that the marriage relationship is unique.
Changing dynamics after a divorce
The relationship between you and your spouse changes after a divorce. Namely, the two of you are no longer married. With the marriage ending that creates a different feeling between you and your spouse. Along with the formal end of your marriage, it also brings about an emotional and relational change. In short, there may need to be some boundary adjustment, to say the least. What you formerly allowed with your marriage boundaries will now have to be reconsidered. It would not be prudent to maintain the same boundaries with your spouse after your divorce concludes.
Imagine how strange it could be to allow your ex-spouse to walk into your home unannounced after the divorce. Physical intimacy between divorced spouses is also strained and difficult to imagine. Not only can this impact your boundaries, but it can give your child a false perception of reality. It can take some time for your child to understand that the divorce is the end of your marriage relationship. How difficult can it be then for your child to see you and your ex-spouse acting like the divorce never even happened?
Establishing different boundaries after the divorce may not be difficult for some people. However, adjusting to life as ex-spouses can take some practice. Addressing the issue directly with your spouse is one way to handle these challenges. If direct communication like this proves to be a challenge during the marriage, then allow the divorce to act as a transition period. By directly confronting an issue like this your spouse can identify that the nature of the relationship is changing. There are other ways to help you and your spouse deal with the challenges of a transitioning relationship between the two of you.
Approaching the divorce as a business transaction
It can be uncomfortable to think about, at times, but the divorce can be approached more like a business transaction. This is a piece of advice that I heard an attorney give to their client many years ago. The idea here is that divorce can be looked at more objectively if you were to approach the case as a business transaction. Whether or not this is possible for your family is another matter altogether. With so many years of marriage behind you it would only be natural to approach the case with a different mindset. Not everyone can simply turn off their approach to marriage in this way.
However, if you can change your mindset and approach to the marriage then it may suit your family well. Many people have difficulties negotiating with their spouse because they are these two relating to their spouse in a certain way. Driving a hard bargain or standing up for what you believe in simply may not be part of the relationship you have with your spouse now. With that said, being able to focus on issues like this in the divorce is important to achieving success for you and your children. In many ways, it can feel unnatural. This can be especially true if you are a passive person by nature
What is your personality like?
Understanding your personality and the different traits you possess makes it even more important for you to be able to identify how and when you can change the tone and boundaries in your marriage. Maintaining the same boundaries you’ve always had with your spouse is not an option moving forward. You need to be able to develop a co-parenting rather than an intimate relationship with your spouse. This can take time. However, the potential benefits are many. The children can benefit more than anyone.
One of the most important qualities to possess in any co-parenting relationship is that of patience. Admittedly, being patient, both with yourself and your spouse, during and after a divorce can be a challenge. You both encountered unique circumstances for the two of you. Most likely neither of you has ever gone through a divorce before. Certainly, neither of you has been divorced from one another before. As a result, you need to figure out how to relate to one another in a brand-new setting.
As a result, being willing to show your spouse and yourself patience can spring both of you into a new relationship with one another. For instance, both you and your spouse may fall back into bad habits when it comes to boundaries. For one, don’t be too hard on yourself. In some ways, it is natural for you to fall back familiar with your spouse during and even after the divorce. Additionally, you cannot expect your spouse to act in a way that you are not acclimated to. Both of you are trying to navigate the waters of the divorce using the skills and experience you have.
Patience is a virtue after a divorce
When you are tempted to say or do something out of line with your spouse try to think about your children. It is your kids who stand to either be harmed or benefit from the way that you and your co-parent shift your boundaries and relationships. Happier and more content people do better as parents. Both of you now have challenges when it comes to navigating, you’re changing the dynamics of your relationship. The more patient you can show it to the other person the better off your family will be.
Have a backbone and stand up for your desired boundaries
At the same time, having boundaries and being patient does not have to be mutually exclusive concepts. Rather common it is crucial that you create a set of expectations for boundaries before you decide to act patiently with your spouse. It can be a difficult circumstance to find that your spouse is unwilling to honor your boundaries. The occasional misstep when it comes to boundaries is one thing. However, it is a completely different matter altogether when you find yourself unwilling to adhere to any type of boundary that you would prefer to uphold.
For instance, some of us are familiar with the phrase “a habitual line stepper” from a 1990s sitcom. A habitual line stepper is someone who constantly oversteps their bounds in relationships. This is the person who never hesitates to open your refrigerator to take a drink and seemingly always forgets their wallet at home during a group dinner out. In short, this person does not recognize that their actions can have unpleasant or unintended consequences. As a result, the person who constantly oversteps boundaries is not seen as a person who is much fun to spend time with.
After a divorce, your job is to identify the type of person that your spouse is. Is he a well-meaning person who makes the occasional mistake when it comes to boundaries? Or is he the habitual line stepper who pays no attention to the boundaries you have attempted you establish? The difference between the two can be dramatic. How you approach your spouse will depend upon their point of view. A habitual line stepper must be dealt with more directly. However, patients can still be shown to the spouse who is well-meaning but made a one-time mistake.
Respecting the other person’s parenting decisions
You and your spouse may have different views on a wide range of topics related to your children. Most notably, the two of you may have different approaches to routines of life and discipline. For instance, color when the kids are with you they may have a certain bedtime. Whereas with your spouse bedtime may be more of a suggestion than anything else. Likewise, hey your spouse may establish more strict rules when it comes to discipline. When the kids are with you, however, discipline may be less firm.
This is a normal element to consider in the time during and after a divorce. The two of you likely would not be getting a divorce if you agreed on every subject related to parenting. Even though this may not be a unique situation that you find yourselves in it still does not mean that you can ignore this subject. Specifically, being able to handle a subject like this as a team is better than trying to find your solutions independently of one another.
Talking to your spouse about any disciplinary issues he or she is experiencing with the children is a great way to coordinate your efforts. If your spouse is disciplining your child for bad behavior, then you need to consider doing the same. If you choose not to discipline your child, then any effort your spouse made in that regard could be rendered less effective. This does not mean that you have to completely agree with every element of your spouse’s decision-making when it comes to discipline. However, it does mean that honoring their judgment is a responsibility that you need to take seriously.
Presenting yourselves as a united front
Both during and after the divorce, and your spouse must be careful not your child does not fall into the trap of thinking that you and your spells are on different teams. Due to the adversarial nature of divorce, it is easy to fall into the draft of treating your spouse as an adversary rather than as a co-parent. Your children can and do pick up on the subtleties of your relationship with your co-parent. If your child thinks that you and your co-parent are not on the same team then he or she may assume that the two of you are unaware of what the other person is doing. This gives us plenty of opportunity for your child to behave with the expectation that there will be no consequences from either of you.
If possible, once the divorce has begun you and your spouse should sit the children down together to have a conversation. That conversation should revolve around presenting yourself as a united front when it comes to parenting decisions. The more the two of you can work together in this regard the better off your child will be. Remember that children struggle with issues like stability and consistency in their lives. The divorce has thrown their lives for a loop, as well. The more you can present yourself as a united front to your children the greater the benefit for them.
Working with an attorney to develop co-parenting skills
An attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan can help you learn better skills when it comes to being a willing co-parent. The co-parenting relationship takes time to foster. The difficulties in your marriage may have translated into difficulties in your co-parenting relationship. As a result, even though you and your spouse are married you may never have truly worked at becoming more effective co-parents together. As a result, the divorce will be your first opportunity to develop better co-parenting skills.
Your co-parenting skills can be refined with effort. That effort requires intentionality to be successful. When you can identify a goal that also means having a plan in place to accomplish this goal. The path toward establishing boundaries does not need to be based on emotions. While there are emotional components to developing boundaries with your spouse after the divorce that does not have to be the entirety of the relationship.
Being objective and direct with your spouse is also an important way to have your relationship and boundaries redefined. Focusing on the benefits of establishing boundaries means thinking of your children first. It is your children who stand to benefit the most when you are upfront and direct with your desire to enforce changes in your relationship. This does not mean being rude or disrespectful. All it means is being direct and sticking up for what you believe is best for your children.
Final thoughts on co-parenting and boundaries in a divorce
Going through a divorce means handling changes that you confront in your family life. To be sure, the challenges of a divorce are many we’re a family in transition. Needing to help your children manage these transitions can be even more difficult when your spouse does not work with you as a teammate. That does not mean that you should give up on him or her. On the contrary, it may require you to work harder to be more willing to meet in the middle.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
