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Beginning a Divorce: Talking to your children about the divorce

If you have made the difficult decision to file for divorce then you have already crossed a threshold that many people sitting in a similar position as you do not have the mental fortitude to cross. Deciding once and for all that your marital relationship, the bedrock of your life and that of your children, is no longer working for you is a huge decision to make. It probably took some thought, prayer and soul searching to get here and now you are left wondering what else do you have to do in order to make your divorce worth the effort that it will take from you.

Well, as if admitting to yourself that your marriage has failed was not difficult enough, now comes the part where you will need to talk to your children about your decision if you have not done so already. Admittedly every family is different- yours included. I don’t know the nature of your relationship with your kids- not to mention the fact that I don’t know you. But, if you are anything like most people you will have either told your children before the divorce is filed that you will be filing or you will have to summon the courage to discuss things with your children as soon as you file. If you wait much longer you run the risk of having your child find out on their own.

Our hope is that our children are resilient and tough minded in dealing with the outside world. These are goals that any reasonable parent should have. What we don’t wager on is that sometimes our children need to be able to be tough and resilient in the fact of obstacles set up by their own families. In this situation you and your spouse’s relationship has caused the divorce to be necessary. Your children are now innocent by-standards left to face the divorce.

In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC we will discuss how to talk to your children about your divorce. Depending on the age of your child you should approach the conversation in different ways. The reason being is that your child is going to be able to understand differing levels of information on your divorce depending on their age. Take some time to think about the age and maturity of your child before determining just how to approach the conversation. Next, you will have to talk to a person that you may not be on all that great of terms with- your spouse- to go about this conversation together.

Tell your children about your divorce together with your spouse

While the very thought of being in the same room as your spouse may make your blood boil, I would work as hard as I could to put those feelings away for a short period of time in order to deliver the news of the divorce to your children as a co-parenting team.

First of all, just because you are getting a divorces does not mean that your relationship with your spouse is done. This isn’t a breakup in high school or even a divorce from a person with whom you did not have children. Because you made a commitment with this person to raise children together, that promise will stretch well beyond the length of your marriage. Be prepared to have this be the first of many, many conversations and messages delivered as a team to your children. If it’s not, you all are going to have a very tough time raising your children as divorced parents.

When you do arrange a time to speak to your children with your spouse you should both do your best to not place blame upon one parent or the other for the divorce. Be as straightforward as you can be about how you and your spouse are no longer going to be living together and will no longer be married. Children will always have questions regarding divorce, but one area you want to leave no doubt about is the future of your relationship. Leaving the impression in their minds that your relationship is still up in the air can be extremely detrimental to a child. Make sure you are clear about your marriage but then pivot into a conversation about your child and away from your relationship.

Even if your child is doing their best to downplay their own emotions about your divorce he or she will likely be feeling insecure and a little vulnerable at the news their providers will no longer be living under one roof. Children thrive on stability and consistency and with the news of your divorce the biggest tent pole holding up the tent of their lives will have been knocked over.

In order to combat this dramatic change to their lives you should confirm that you and your spouse love your children unconditionally, that their lives will be impacted as little as possible by the divorce and that neither parent is going anywhere. Your family is not broken or breaking up or anything like that. Your family is changing and will look different. It will also feel different. But, the people in your family will not change and your love for your children will not change.

Together with your spouse, help your child to understand that whatever their feelings on your divorce are perfectly natural and that you are not going to do anything to minimize or dismiss the way that they are feeling at the moment. If they are hurt, upset, angry or anything in between you do not need to convince them to feel otherwise. Allow them to feel that way and then allow them the time to feel comfortable to ask questions and initiate secondary conversations on this subject. With time your child will allow themselves to feel more comfortable with the idea of having divorced parents.

Discussing your divorce with your family and friends

Once you have bitten the bullet and told your children about your divorce you can get around to discussing the separation and divorce with anyone else you choose to. Note that I used the word “choose”. You are under no obligation to post about your divorce on social media or talk about your case with people at work. This is a deeply personal change that you are undergoing and you will get to pick when you disclose information to others, if that ever actually happens.

On the one hand you will likely want to keep some details about your divorce private, and may not even feel comfortable sharing news of the divorce with most people. That’s fine. On the other hand, having a support system to get you through the divorce is crucially important and your close family and friends are logical options to choose from in selecting a support system. It is up to you to make a decision based on what you feel comfortable with.

Boundaries are important. You should discuss with your attorney anything that is relevant to your divorce because in that area what you don’t disclose could end up hurting you a great deal in how your divorce turns out. In other areas there is likely no benefit to disclosing information that you do not want to or do not believe is important to tell. Do what you feel is necessary and helpful in making it through your divorce in one piece. If you are asked questions about your marriage or the divorce that you do not want to answer it is easy- and satisfying- to decline to answer.

Your options when hiring an attorney and other divorce considerations – tomorrow’s blog post topic

Come back tomorrow to read more about divorce in Texas, including your options when hiring an attorney as well as how a divorce and post-divorce landscape could look for you and your family.

In the meantime, if you have any questions regarding divorce or family law in general please do not hesitate to contact the attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC. Our licensed family law attorney stand ready to assist you with a free of charge consultation.


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