Trying to determine why your marriage is failing can be one of life’s most daunting and difficult to answer questions. Certainly, we can look at your upbringing, your history of success in relationships, your willingness to set aside you’re once for the betterment of your relationship, and things of that nature. However, we also need to consider factors like the support you get from other people in your relationships, whether you have children, and you’re work responsibilities. All these factors play a major role in the likelihood of success in your marriage. The reality is that people in great circumstances can see their marriages fail and people in rough circumstances can see their marriages succeed. At a certain point, there is no rhyme and reason as to how marriages succeed or fail. Ultimately, you and your spouse are the ones that have the power to cause your marriage to go one way or the other.
If you are a first responder, then you probably have more reason than most to have concern over the likelihood of success in your marriage. For one, your work is incredibly stressful and typically stress does not bring about the best in people. I know when I have a tough and stressful day at work, I tend to want to take some time for myself to consider what’s going on in my life and plan out what can be done to alleviate the stress for me. All this inward thinking and contemplation is not necessarily abnormal but at the same time, it does not necessarily stand to benefit your marriage very much. Rather, a stressful job tends to place you in a circumstance where you are performing a relatively great amount of self-care and self-contemplation.
I think most people who are married would tell you that marriage requires you to put forth more contemplation into the strength of your marriage than of yourself. There is nothing wrong with thinking about yourself or being concerned with your well-being. What it feels like the world is against you or that different stresses are adding up at work then it is perfectly normal to want to circle the wagons and concern yourself with what is best for you. However, it can take a very supportive partner to always be understanding of this. However, even the most supportive people need their spouse to consider things from their vantage point from time to time. This is a major challenge for four people like you who are first responders.
Being a first responder puts you in a position where you spend all your time at work not only thinking about the needs of others but acting toward their best interests. Some people work in jobs where they are creating plans for how to better the lives of others. You as a first responder have geared your life towards helping those whose lives have taken turns for the worst. As a result, it would be only natural for you to want to spend time considering your own needs in your own life once your work shift came to an end. While your intent and your goal may be two think more about your spouse and your relationship the result may not be that at all. Rather, human nature may take over and find that you have more of a desire simply to focus on yourself in the challenges in your own life.
This also doesn’t address your need to be a part of your family dynamic. Think about the possibility of all the missed activities, moments, and other times with your family because of your work commitments. Working hours like you do likely mean that you have not always been able to make every get-together or other social gathering for your family. This time missed also equates to time missed with your spouse. As a result, being able to build memories and strengthen the bond between you and your spouse becomes more difficult with each missed opportunity you have. This is not anyone’s fault necessarily but the impact of your work schedule will invariably create challenges in this area of your life. The only question is how resilient are you and your spouse?
Counseling and communication
For all of us, being able to find time for the things most important to us can be a challenge. Would you consider that there are only 24 hours in a day we to do with our time can make it feel like we are being told in multiple directions all at once? If you find yourself as a first responder in a struggling marriage time is something thank you probably do not have a lot of. The nature of your work forces you to always be ready to serve others. Odds are from the time you get to the workplace to the time you leave you are serving others the entire time. There is not a lot of time as it first responder her phone calls home or for leaving early to work on problems with your spouse.
Communication is another problem that people experience as they go through marital difficulties. Many if not most of the problems that we experienced in our homes can be solved with diligent and concerted attempts to communicate with our family members. However, problems can arise if you lack the time to devote to this type of communication or if you simply lack the skills that communication. The irony of our modern age is that communication methods have never been more diverse, yet our skills and communication may have never been weaker than they are right now. Technology has assisted us in creating many new ways to communicate. However, reliance on these new methods of communication may have harmed our overall willingness and ability to communicate with one another. As a result, while you may have the desire to work out problems with your spouse and your marriage you may laugh tools in the toolbox to complete the task.
This is not a new phenomenon in the marriage period additionally, it is also not something to be ashamed of. Possessed majority of us are not born with the that’s theory skill to succeed 100% of the time in our marriages. Those skills need to be learned over time. Unfortunately, time is already of the essence you may not have an opportunity to mistakes what can you do as a first responder to make the most of the time you do have in your marriage to try and salvage the relationship?
The first thing that I would look to is to begin marriage counseling. Using in 2022, people still seem to how a sweet, conceived notion about marriage counselors. Some people out there may believe that going to see a counselor or therapist is fine and that you are not well mentally. I’m not here to offer you a great deal of advice or perspective on marriage counseling but I can tell you that just because you seek out counseling does not make you mentally unwell. I know people who attend counseling and therapy consistently to keep themselves running at a high rate of speed in terms of their mental health. So, on the contrary, attending counseling can be something that promotes people who already have strong degrees of mental health, to begin with.
Next, I think that from movies and television shows we may get the impression that marriage and family therapy is a way for one spouse to cause the other spouse too to realize that they are at fault for the problems in the marriage. Just think about all the television shows we may have grown up watching where the wife is asking the husband to attend therapy period the husband then remarks that this is just going to be another way for the wife to show the husband that he’s at fault for the problems in the marriage. The two go back and forth only to finally wind up in the counselor’s office. At that point, the counselor acts pretty much like the husband believed where he or she places the blame for the struggles of the marriage at the feet of the husband.
A good marriage counselor does more listening than talking. Marriage counselors help people like you and your spouse in developing communication skills rather than necessarily determining who is at fault for a particular area in the marriage. For instance, we spoke earlier about how it can be difficult to assess the skills that we possess that might be able to help save a struggling marriage. Many times, when you lack the requisite skills to save your marriage through communication you need to go to someone to help develop those skills. This is no different than taking classes at work or shadowing a more experienced EMT. By working with an experienced marriage and family counselor you can begin to gain the communication skills necessary to sort out problems on your own.
Where can you go to find a trustworthy marriage and family therapist? For starters, I would check with your health insurance provider then they should be able to help you locate a local and in-network option for marriage and family counseling. If possible being able to attend a counselor who meets your needs but will also not break the bank would be ideal. You can reach out to local counseling offices to make those kinds of determinations, or you can simply contact your health insurance provider and they can help you to make that determination.
Next, you may even be able to work with someone like a priest or pastor to help you with problems related to your marriage. On the one hand, you may want to work with a person that knows you and your spouse. This person would be able to offer advice from a perspective where he or she has seen you and your spouse in public and can advise on how to remediate certain issues in your marriage. On the other hand, working with a counselor who personally knows you may be awkward for many people. It may also put that council in a position where despite their best intentions they may inadvertently hold back advice that could be taken the wrong way. Working with someone that does not know you offer that person an opportunity to be unbiased and give advice based on your best interests and an objective view of the situation. You may also feel more comfortable sharing information with a counselor that does not know you well.
Overall, I like the steps necessary to find a good counselor to the steps necessary to find a good investment. Many people go through life so worried about making the right choices in their investments that they simply never actually put in the time, money, or effort to begin the investment process. As a result, they never make money because they never actually start. My advice in this regard would be to simply begin the investment process for yourself and your spouse. Even if you do not know if this marriage counselor is the perfect counselor for the two of you, I would still recommend simply beginning the process. Get the marriage counseling process started and make determinations on fit later. Do not let perfect get in the way of good enough. If you find that attending counseling is something that you would like to continue doing for an ongoing period, then that’s great. Or you may find that a handful of visits to learn some communication skills is all that you need.
Each of you reading this blog post is in a different position in your marriage. What you need from a marriage or family counselor it could be different than what your neighbor needs. My point is that you should not make assumptions based on what other people have told you or what you perceive to be the case. When time is of the essence you need to jump in headfirst and then make determinations later about what you do or do not need.
Working with an experienced family law attorney
When it comes time to decide on divorce only you can say for sure when it is time to move forward. No matter how well-meaning or well-intentioned other people in your life may be a simple truth is that only you and your spouse will know when and when not a divorce should be pursued. You should collect information and then make the best decisions you can in terms of what your family needs and what you need individually. That will be a good barometer for when you should and should not be moving forward with the divorce. It is normal to have doubts throughout the process but once you decide to move forward in the divorce you can do so confidently when you have a plan and have been intentional.
Divorcing as a first responder carries with it unique challenges. This is especially true if you are a parent with children under the age of 18. Being able to ensure that you will play a significant role in the upbringing of that child he’s probably one of the concerns you have at this time. Your spouse may even be trying to tell you that, as a first responder, you will not be allowed to parent your child like you may have become accustomed to. Working odd hours on a shift-based system makes visitation and conservatorships issues even more important to look at critically. You will want to do what is best for your children but also what suits you and what you believe your roles should be in the upbringing of your kids.
From my experience, being able to assist first responders, firefighters, and police officers R among the Most Exciting and rewarding experiences that a family law attorney can have. People like yourself, who put their lives on the line every day, are among the noblest and upstanding people we have in our society. Trust me when I say that the attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan will be privileged to represent you in a divorce case if that is what you believe is necessary and in the best interests of yourself and your children.
When the stakes are as high as they are in a typical divorce, I cannot recommend highly enough working with an attorney who specializes in family law and divorce. You do not want to risk losing a significant amount of your parenting time with your kids, rights, and duties related to your children or your wealth by working with a less experienced attorney whose focus is not on family law.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
If you have any questions about the material contained in today’s blog post, please do not hesitate to contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Our licensed family law attorneys offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law as well as How your family circumstances may be impacted by the filing of a divorce or child custody case.