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When Child Protective Services (CPS) begins an investigation into your family, they might suggest participating in family-based safety services. These services focus on teaching strategies to manage and de-escalate potentially violent situations. The goal is to prevent recurring issues by providing practical tools tailored to your family’s unique needs. This recommendation aims to support and improve your family’s situation, not to judge or criticize.
In family law cases involving CPS, a challenging aspect is helping people recognize that domestic and family violence can affect anyone, regardless of their income or any other demographic scale. For example, many people assume that it is only women who are poor or otherwise uneducated that can become the victims of domestic violence. The thought goes that it is only the partners of these individuals that perpetrate acts of family violence. As I have seen many times in my career as an attorney this is simply not the case.
While you can find specific statistics on family violence online, it’s crucial to understand that domestic violence affects individuals across all social classes. Both men and women can experience domestic violence, though it more commonly affects women. Domestic violence is not limited to lower-income individuals. Often, lower-income victims seek assistance from government services due to financial constraints. Conversely, wealthier individuals may access private care and other support resources.
Understanding victim-blaming in domestic violence
Another misconception that some people have regarding family and domestic violence is that victims bring about the acts of violence through their actions or inactions. This is otherwise known as victim-blaming. The idea that a victim of domestic violence brought about these actions typically is not accurate. Rather, abusers and purveyors of violence seek to act in these ways to control their victims. Likely, he or she would have acted in this way no matter what the victim has done either in response or before the act of violence.
If you have been the victim of abuse at the hands of a spouse or partner, then it could be that he or she has tried to convince you that it is your actions that led to their being violent. If this has been the case, you may have been led to believe that because it is your fault that the violence occurred, there is no use in seeking intervention or other help from the outside. This may have even been a tactic to encourage you to remain in the relationship with the domestic abuser.
Before you actively attempt to change your behavior or address any personal issues, consider whether this message stems from your abusive spouse or partner. The challenge lies in the fact that if you’re experiencing abuse, it’s the actions of the abusive spouse or partner that primarily determine the safety of yourself and your children. There is very little you can do to change your abusive spouse or partner without outside intervention.
Remaining in an abusive relationship
From an external perspective, a common question asked about individuals in abusive relationships is why they choose to stay. Unfortunately, this isn’t merely a philosophical inquiry but a deeply personal issue affecting your family life. Remaining in a dangerous or abusive relationship is a challenge you’re facing, one that others in your life—friends, family, and acquaintances—may struggle to understand. You may find it difficult to explain your reasoning to those who haven’t experienced similar circumstances firsthand.
Unfortunately, many people in your situation often rely heavily on financial support that they must maintain. In other words, you may rely on your spouse or significant other for income due to various reasons. Perhaps you currently lack the means to support yourself and your family independently. Additionally, your spouse or partner may have prevented you from completing your education or pursuing employment. If you’re responsible for childcare and lack transportation apart from what’s provided by your spouse or partner, you may find it challenging to work and earn income autonomously.
Even in non-abusive marriages, some spouses might delay filing for divorce for months or even years due to concerns about financial stability. They fear that once they file, their spouse might immediately cut them off from income or bank accounts, leaving them in a vulnerable position. While it’s natural to worry about your and your children’s well-being, remember that the court will usually put temporary orders in place during a divorce to prevent your spouse from taking such actions. At the same time, you can begin to at least plan a divorce or separation that makes the transition into a divorce case that much simpler.
How can abuse and violence impact how you parent?
Being in a violent or abusive relationship can also impact how you parent your children. If you’re facing abuse from a violent spouse or partner, your life is likely filled with stress. This stress will impact the way you interact with other people including your children. Rather than concerning yourself with the needs of your family and those around you will be preoccupied with avoiding violence in the home. Well, this is sensible it will still impact how you raise your family and even interact with your children on a moment-to-moment basis.
What kind of behaviors may your spouse or significant other be engaging in?
Identifying common behaviors in domestic abusers is crucial if you’re in denial or attempting to convince yourself that your spouse or partner’s behavior isn’t harmful. As mentioned earlier, the primary goal of an abuser is to exert control over their partner. Both physical abuse and verbal tactics are used to achieve this control. Consider the language your spouse or significant other uses towards you. Degrading or belittling behavior, especially in front of your children, is a clear indicator that power dynamics are at play in their actions and language.
In the realm of family law, it’s common to encounter abusers who are adept manipulators. These individuals often present one persona in private while displaying a vastly different one to the outside world, possibly even to your children. It’s not uncommon for children, regardless of their age, to have differing perceptions of your spouse or partner compared to your own. Remember, this disparity is not your fault. Your spouse or partner may strategically manipulate situations to make you question your own reality, a tactic known as gaslighting. It’s crucial to lean on your support system and social circle for reassurance and clarity during such challenging times.
If you discuss the abuse or violence in the home directly with your spouse or partner and they fail to acknowledge their actions, you are witnessing another common tactic used by many abusers. In their perspective, they may justify their actions against you and your children based on various circumstances. Abusive spouses or partners can rationalize their behavior extensively. Domestic violence cannot be minimized. If your spouse or partner attempts to downplay their actions against you, it’s a strong indicator of an abusive relationship. Exiting such a relationship promptly is crucial for your well-being and that of your children.
Look at how your spouse or partner parents your children
In many cases, an abusive spouse or partner will be extremely tough on their children. Many times, you will find that your spouse or partner has a very well-defined set of rules for the children to follow. If those rules are not followed, then there could also be significant consequences for the child and you. Many times, we see unrealistic expectations of children by abusive parents. If your child believes that the love of your spouse or partner is dependent upon their following the rules and acting in a certain way, then this can begin to degrade their sense of self and safety.
Otherwise, in the day-to-day life of your children, your spouse or partner may feel like their role is to provide a minimal amount of supervision. Many abusive partners and spouses believe that it is your job to care for the children in their day-to-day lives. Their needs are always greater, in most cases than the children’s needs. Do not be surprised to find that your abusive spouse or partner attempts to override discipline that you attempt to enforce with the kids. It is common to see that parents in this type of situation are frequently not on the same page and differ greatly in how they discipline and raise children. Your authority as a parent may be continually undercut as you attempt to raise your children.
Family-based social services and your family unit
The reality is that if you are facing abuse or violence in the home then Child Protective Services will have to take a multi-faceted approach to care for your family. At the same time, CPS may encourage you to attend counseling and violence prevention-type classes while also helping you to get connected to family-based resources regarding your children. It can be difficult enough when there are children who are victims of abuse or violence. However, given that your family is one where there are both adult and child victims this causes CPS to have to deploy almost every resource available to them to properly care for your family.
The CPS caseworker will understand that you have been attempting to do everything you can to protect yourself from harm throughout this process. It would make sense then that you may not have been able to be intelligent about your children during this time. Working with Child Protective Services highlights a crucial lesson: your children’s safety depends directly on your own safety. You cannot effectively protect your children until you ensure your own safety. Often, parents in your situation prioritize their children’s well-being to the extent that they neglect basic steps to ensure their own safety.
CPS inquiries in domestic abuse cases
I’ve worked with families where non-abusive parents hesitated to contact CPS due to fears that their children might be removed from the home. Instead of taking steps to protect themselves and their family, they endured abuse at home, fearing CPS custody. This concern needs clarification. If CPS caseworkers determine that you are a non-abusive parent striving to ensure your children’s safety, there is little risk of CPS removing them from your home. CPS may even recommend keeping the children at home and assist in securing resources to remove an abusive parent or partner.
When CPS contacts you initially, they will likely ask questions to assess the nature and severity of abuse in your home. During their initial screening, CPS caseworkers will ask about abuse and violence as part of their training. It’s important to note that CPS may not have a complete understanding of your household situation and will have legitimate questions about the actions taken by your spouse or partner against you or your children. Be ready to provide information about police interactions, visits to healthcare providers due to violence, or any incidents involving weapons used against your family.
From there, a CPS caseworker or investigator will perform a criminal background check on you and your partner. This is especially important regarding looking for violence in a history of violence in the person’s record. Violating probation, restraining orders, or confronting police or other authority figures constitutes important evidence against your spouse or abusive partner. If your spouse or partner has a history of domestic violence, then this will be an extremely important bit of information to take into account for the CPS caseworker.
Conclusion
Understanding your spouse or partner’s history with law enforcement and their tendency toward violence can impact the recommendations made by Child Protective Services (CPS). This knowledge helps determine whether CPS will suggest family-based safety services or consider taking temporary custody of your children. Regardless of the CPS caseworker’s recommendations, having skilled and knowledgeable representation throughout the process is crucial.
Family-based safety services recommended by CPS can be a proactive way to foster a safer and more stable environment for your family. These services provide tailored techniques to de-escalate situations and prevent violence, focusing on improving family dynamics and enhancing safety. Rather than viewing these recommendations as punitive, see them as supportive measures that equip your family with valuable tools to address challenges and create a positive environment.
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