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Family law cases are notorious for being difficult from an emotional perspective. From reading the blog for the Law Office of Bryan Fagan you probably understand that there are legal complexities to concern yourself with. Changing laws, issues left up to the interpretation of a judge and so many other “courtroom” matters to focus on. These topics are enough to take up a considerable amount of your time. Having emotional and relational issues on the topic of those problems makes the situation even tougher on you and your family.
All of this is to be expected. Family law cases are unique in that they deal with the most intimate matters in your life. Your marriage and your children. Financial considerations and your future. These subjects are all wrapped up in a single-family law case. How you deal with these challenges will determine the sort of life you can lead after your case comes to an end.
However, sometimes these emotional subjects can relate to extreme situations involving substance abuse. In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we are going to focus our attention on substance abuse and mental health considerations. How are you going to navigate your family law case when these topics are relevant? Keep reading this blog post to find out more about how to help yourself and your family.
Substance abuse and how it can impact a divorce
Let’s approach the subject of substance abuse and how it can impact a divorce, first. Substance abuse is a problem for many families going through the divorce process. Whether it is drugs or alcohol, substance abuse can play a profound role in the breakdown of a marriage relationship. Substance abuse is a problem for many families as a spouse begins to focus their attention more on their addiction than on their husband or wife. Lies are told to further the addiction. The bond of trust between spouses is slowly broken down.
When substance abuse is a major issue in your marriage it needs to be dealt with head-on. This is another challenge presented by substance abuse. Let’s consider a situation where your spouse is a drug addict. You may have noticed changes in her behavior over time but did not say anything. You busied yourself with work and your children. Over time, you may have mentioned to her that you are noticing changes in her behavior. However, you did not take the initiative and demand changes in her habits.
Now you are in a position where you are considering a divorce because of the issues presented by her addiction. Instead of trying to push for rehabilitation and counseling, you let the issues pass you both by. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This is true when it comes to issues dealing with drug and alcohol abuse. Now that you are facing a broken marriage it may be too late for counseling or therapy to work.
Talking to your spouse about their substance abuse
First, make sure that it is safe to talk to your spouse. This is where you may need to talk to trusted professionals in the area of substance abuse rehabilitation. Approaching your spouse with a person that he or she trusts may be the direction you want to go. This is not a time to accuse your spouse of anything. Rather, it is a good time to be humble with your spouse. Let him or her know that it is time to address the issue. See what their response is. How does your spouse react to the situation as you present it?
If your spouse is willing to admit to an addiction and the need for help then you may be able to salvage the marriage. Working on the addiction is one part of the equation. However, you also need to be a part of the counseling. Working towards your own goals in counseling is important for the non-addict spouse. What you have seen and experienced married to an addict is a tremendous challenge to your relationship. Do not recommend that your spouse undertake something that you are unwilling to share in.
Finally, be sure to hold your spouse to a certain standard when it comes to their rehabilitation. There is no set amount of time that your spouse needs to attend counseling. However, seeing steady progress in their condition is necessary. Some programs track records of success that you all need to follow. Your spouse cannot argue against receiving help. Otherwise, there is little chance of rehabilitation.
Responding to your spouse’s attempts to intervene in your addiction
Now, let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose that you are a spouse who has had an addiction problem. Your spouse comes to you with a humble heart and one that seeks to help you above all else. What is your reaction going to be? How are you going to approach the situation? It all depends on your mindset. It is said that for many people, you must have your “I’ve had it!” moment. As in, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know that you are at the bottom and need to do better for yourself and your spouse. Until then, you may be incapable of responding appropriately.
Addicts are serial liars. Addiction is such that your ability to tell a lie from a truth is completely off-kilter. Many people who are in the throes of an addiction cannot even see themselves any longer as they work to get outside of their addictive behaviors. You may say or do anything to feed your addiction. That means that your spouse, your children, and anyone else in your life is fair game for manipulation. Knowing this is half the battle. Most addicts are not prepared to deal with this reality.
If this sounds like you there are steps you can take to improve your chances of reaching sobriety. For one, work with your spouse to find a sobriety partner. Someone to hold you accountable. Given the major relational issues that exist between you and your co-parent, it may be better that it is not your spouse. A person that you trust but who is not in your immediate family may be your best bet. Working through various counseling and sobriety groups may help you arrive at a sponsor or accountability partner.
Approaching a divorce as an addict’s spouse
As we have seen several challenges present themselves in a divorce when you are an addict. The spouse of an addict faces their challenges. For one, there are difficulties in working with your spouse to simply respond to a divorce petition. When you file for divorce it is expected that your spouse will be served with notice of the lawsuit. From there your spouse must be able to work with you and your attorney to negotiate the case. In the end, diligent negotiations often result in beneficial outcomes for both spouses.
However, when your spouse is an addict that means that you have a tough situation on your hands. You are not only unable to rely upon your spouse to negotiate but to simply participate in the lawsuit can be a challenge. Default judgments are an option for you but they can take time to achieve. Even then, you must wait for a court to approve you for an alternative method of service. In short, you play the waiting game when you are married to an addict.
Getting your divorce off the ground is a challenge in almost any situation. Couple the traditional headaches of divorce with the problems associated with divorcing an addict and you have a potentially combustible situation on your hands. This means that there is an added emphasis on representation. An attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is especially equipped to help you work through a divorce from your addict spouse. Our attorneys learn your case and your needs. From there, we help to identify particular areas where your family needs the most assistance.
Approaching a divorce as an addict-spouse
Now let’s consider a divorce as a spouse who has an addiction problem. First, finding help for yourself is important. This is not the time to wallow in self-pity. Additionally, getting angry at yourself is not going to help anything now. Rather, you must be able to find help for yourself. It is almost like you are the passenger in an airplane that has lost pressure or has fallen in altitude. Before you can help anyone else with their oxygen mask you need to secure your own. By looking after your own needs you better ensure your ability to care for your family in the future.
Many addict spouses are unable to focus their attention on the divorce. Your attention needs to be firmly on the divorce case. Your spouse recognizes the severity of your addiction. As a result, the divorce has been filed. If you are ready to admit that you have a problem you can reach out to your spouse. Making a last effort to pause the divorce so that you can seek help is a noble pursuit. Finding assistance is a matter of picking up the phone or going online to search for resources in your area.
Counseling or rehabilitation are a must even if your marriage cannot be saved. Your life needs to be changed one way or another. Even if the counseling or therapy you seek is outside of the marriage it is a step worth taking. Working with an experienced family law attorney is also important. An attorney with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is equipped to help you handle the challenges of a divorce. We also can help you focus your attention on getting well physically, emotionally, and relationally.
Creating a safety plan as a non-addict spouse
Unfortunately, addicts are notoriously difficult to predict when it comes to their behavior. Violence is not out of the question as far as a reaction is concerned. When you are trying to work through a divorce with your addict spouse it is a good idea to have a plan in place to protect yourself. That goes doubly for families with small children. When you have small kids around you do not have the luxury of waiting to see what happens. Rather, you need to have a plan to resort to when times are difficult and dangerous.
First of all, think before you bring up emotional topics in the home. This is not to say that you would be to blame for any violent actions of your spouse. However, the reality is that your safety is in peril if your spouse has an addiction. As such, begin to think about the household as far as how to get out if necessary. Plan on only having conversations with your spouse about the divorce in rooms where a quick exit is possible. Avoid rooms with weapons such as the kitchen. If all else fails, try to not be home at the same time as your spouse.
Make sure that your vehicle has gas at all times. Keeping spare keys out of the hands of your spouse is another wise decision to make. From there, practice with your children getting out of the house as quickly as possible. Even going to a neighbor’s house to wait for police or a ride is not a bad idea. You do not need to make sure the kids know exactly what is going on. However, figure out a way to practice with them even if they are not sure what is happening.
Having a safe place to stay
When you leave the house do not plan on returning any time soon. Yes, you may be able to safely re-enter the home sooner rather than later. However, this is not something that you should plan on. Rather, consider your options when it comes to leaving the house. Take clothes, toiletries, medications, and other essentials. Keep a bag with these items for you and your children. Have it ready but out of sight of your spouse.
Access to your home computer may not be possible from outside the home. Yes, many items that we rely upon are available in the “cloud.” However, there may be files saved only on your computer that you need access to. For those, try and save them on a cloud somewhere so that they may be accessed from any location. You may need these files in the future for your divorce. Or, you may need them to find temporary shelter.
Finally, rely upon your support system for a place to stay. Preferably, stay someone where your spouse would not look. There may be a need for you to contact a relative or friend who has an extra bed. A women’s shelter can likely house you for a short time but you should not plan on staying there for an extended period.
Take action now while you can
There is no guarantee that you will be able to find help in the future for these issues. The best time to have prepared for your divorce would have been yesterday or the day before. However, the second best time is right now. Take these steps to prepare for a divorce that you cannot control the results of. The more preparation and thought you put into the process the better off you will be. Your children will also need to be helped during this time. Having a plan and making other people aware of the plan is a great way to begin the divorce process.
Allowing other people into your situation is a great way to help avoid potential issues with your spouse. Being able to have other people help you out when there are problems in your life is not a burden. It is allowing other people to help you as they would expect the same from you. This is a great benefit for your family. Rely upon the kindness of others and allow yourself to be kind when your turn comes.
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan thank you for joining us here on our blog today. We post unique and informative content about the world of Texas family law seven days a week. To learn more about our office and the services we provide to our clients please reach out to us today. We have office locations in all the major metropolitan areas of Texas. That means that when you need us we are right around the corner. Divorce from an addict is possible and the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is here to help you.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
