The decision to file for divorce should not be arrived at without a great deal of contemplation. For many people, divorce marks the end of a long struggle to maintain a marriage despite difficult circumstances. There are typically any number of reasons why a marriage may fail where divorce becomes an option. What we oftentimes look to when it comes to a divorce are reasons why two people could not manage to keep the relationship together despite overwhelming reasons to want to avoid getting divorced. However, in many cases, a divorce is so difficult to avoid that many people would assume that there is nothing that can be done after a certain point in time.
If you are a married man who has goals of remaining married, then you could be facing a difficult road ahead of you when your wife seems determined to want to end the marriage. What you can do is to be as objective as possible when it comes to looking at the state of the relationship and determining whether the two of you have what it takes to say much of the marriage and not proceed into a divorce. This is certainly not an easy path to take and the odds may be against you. However, if you have a family then taking every avenue possible to avoid a divorce could be exactly what you need to do at that time.
In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, we are going to talk about what you as a husband can do if you find yourself in a marriage where nothing seems to be working out at the moment but you have hope and optimism that the divorce does not have to be the outcome. There are steps you can take to determine the likelihood that your marriage can be salvaged without losing time and money that could be used to prepare for a divorce. Along the way, we hope that you will gain knowledge about not only the divorce process but more importantly how to save your marriage and avoid a divorce in the first place.
However, if you get to the point where a divorce is thrust upon you and there is no turning back, we recommend that you contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Our licensed family law attorneys offer free-of-charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law as well as about how your family can maintain its togetherness despite obstacles and challenges that may come your way.
How to talk to your spouse about a divorce
If you truly love your spouse and do not want a divorce, then you need to be able to have an open and honest dialogue with her about your life and your problems in the marriage. What we like to tell our clients is that nobody is born a great communicator. Rather, these are skills that people learn over time through diligence and practice. Without putting too fine a point on it, being able to have a dialogue like this with your co-parent is not only important but essential at a time like this. Many people who struggle in the context of a divorce we’ll find that what ultimately resolves the issues in their marriage and brings both spouses to their senses is the ability to work with one another through diligent conversation. For example, if your wife tells you in all sincerity that she does not see a path forward in the marriage, and your response is to become angry and belligerent towards her then it is likely that her concerns are going to be proved to be correct just through that one conversation However, if you had taken a different approach she might see that the marriage may not be as far gone as she feared and that the two of you may have had hope for a reconciliation.
What your wife may be looking for is some sign that you are as invested in the relationship as she would like you to be. If you still love your spouse and want to save the marriage, then this would be the time to share that with her. If you are not a great communicator, then she may have no idea about your true thoughts about the relationship or whether you have that much concern over the end of it. However, even if you do not consider yourself to be especially in touch with their feelings or great at communication then you can work to show your spouse that you are fully committed to the marriage and are working towards resolving whatever issues there may be through dialogue.
Communicating your way through these important challenges in your marriage is not necessarily going to be easy. For one, you and your spouse like they have more going on in the marriage than just these issues. The two of you may have children who have issues of their own, work problems, and other considerations that are important in your daily lives. This does not mean that the two of you will not have time or the ability to work through these problems together, but it does mean that the two of you may have challenges in finding the right time to talk to each other free of distraction and competing interests.
Having a plan and being intentional when it comes to working through these problems is one of the absolute best strategies you can have at a time like this in your life. Simply talking with your spouse about your problems may not be enough. Rather, you need to have some direction and plan in place when you are approaching difficult subjects like this. Being intentional means taking advantage of the opportunities you must discuss these issues while always being aware of the position and sensitivities of your wife. As a husband, you may be fully aware of your positions and opinions in the marriage but may also lose sight on occasion of the concerns and perspectives of your wife.
It may be worthwhile to initiate a conversation with your wife about the problems in your marriage but then do more listening than talking when the conversations ultimately begin. Many people confuse communication with them doing the talking and another person doing the listening period however, good communication is a two-way street. Even if you are comfortable talking that may mean that your listening skills may not be as adept as you would like them to be.
Some very simple advice regarding the subject would be to wait to talk to your spouse about the subject matter until after the children are in bed. From there, turn off your phones, turn off the television, and sit somewhere where you both can feel comfortable expressing yourselves together. This may be easier said than done. Sometimes we move it to a hectic pace in our world that we forget what it is like to slow down into take advantage of the opportunities afforded to us when it comes to communication with our significant other. While it may be unnatural for us to slow down this much for you as a husband who is desperate to save your marriage it may be the best decision that you make for the rest of your marriage.
Who can help you sort out the problems in your marriage?
If you find that you and your spouse or not adept at solving the crucial problems in your marriage, then you can always reach out to experienced professionals who can help you to learn better communication skills and pinpoint specific problems in your marriage. an obvious candidate for this role would be that of a marriage and family counselor. You might find these folks listed as a therapist or counselor. What you should be looking for is adept at helping families like yours sort through problems in relationships. Whether the issue in your marriage is infidelity, financial infidelity, problems with parenting, or something different altogether you can ask that therapist what sort of experience they have and how that person helps couples in your situation.
You can work with your insurance company to find local providers who are covered under your policy. Depending upon the specific circumstances of your case in the problems that you are facing there may be any number of therapists or counselors who can help you at this time however, you should not assume that all marriage and family therapists are just alike. Rather, you should read reviews, talk to people who have been through counseling before, and then decide based on what you think is best for your family. It is not enough to assume that something will work out just fine for your family. Rather, you need to be intentional about when you select a therapist and then be willing to work with him or her to the best of your ability.
How to proceed in a divorce if one becomes necessary
We have been acting as far as your situation is concerned that resolving the problems in your marriage will be possible. However, it may become apparent to you that fixing the problems in your marriage is not going to be possible. In a situation like that, you must come face to face with the realization that a divorce is on the horizon. Although you could not prevent this from happening you can take simple steps to work towards a resolution of those problems in a divorce setting. To do so, however, you need to be as objective as possible and to prioritize that which is most important to you and your children.
The saying in the world of divorce that is unfortunately true more times than not is that a divorce turns a marriage into a business transaction. Although we do not want to think about a marriage in these kinds of terms it is the unfortunate reality of the situation. Many people will assume that marriage ends up being emotionally based right through to the very end. However, this need not be the case for you and your family. Rather, you can take a different perspective and choose to work with your spouse where possible and avoid conflict as much as you can. That’s not to say that you can have a simple or run-of-the-mill divorce but what it does mean is that the two of you can attempt to work on your problems to the extent possible and see to it that your children are always put first if you have any minor children going through the divorce.
If possible, talk to your spouse about the divorce before it begins. Try to understand where she is coming from so that you all can determine what issues need more negotiation and which issues exist that you already see eye to eye with her. The more work that the two of you can do before the divorce begins the better. For one, nobody understands your situation better than you and your spouse. This is true even if the two of you are not in agreement on much right now in terms of your finances or your children. Certainly, you can save money by working with your spouse on these issues rather than relying upon a judge to do so. You will find that the more you work together with your spouse the better the result will be.
Try to attend mediation as early as possible in your divorce. Doing so will allow the two of you to begin to understand what it takes in terms of how to negotiate in detail about the most important issues that you are facing. Putting yourself in a position where the two of you must work together can go a long way toward helping you resolve issues that may be outstanding in your case. Do not assume that just because you are going through a divorce that you and your spouse are going to disagree on most issues that you encounter. You may find that the two of you have more common ground on these subjects than you would have previously thought.
One problem that we at the Law Office of Bryan Fagan oftentimes see people come face to face with is the belief that a divorce can be retried over and over until you get the result that you want. It is a mistake to assume that you will have a second chance at litigating the issues in your divorce case. Many people do not prepare as well as they ought to for a divorce and assume that a modification case is easy to win or at least easy to negotiate with your spouse in the future. Rather, he should take every opportunity presented to you to try and resolve your divorce the first time around.
Finally, you must work with an experienced family law attorney when it comes to your divorce. Even if the divorce was not your idea and you are only participating in it because your wife has forced your hand, that does not mean that you can take it easy or choose to put forth less than 100% of an effort towards resolving the issues in your case. Rather, you should consider what it means to prepare diligently for your case and negotiate to the best of your ability. We are confident that you are better off hiring an attorney who help you do so.
Hiring an attorney does not necessarily mean hiring the most expensive attorney or the one that has the fanciest office. You should be comfortable asking questions of the attorney about their experience and their views on your specific case. The more you can learn about the attorney and their perspective as well as how he or she envisioned your case proceeding the better you will be able to make decisions about how to hire an attorney and what qualities you believe to be most important to you.
A free-of-charge consultation with an attorney is a great way for you to learn more about the law, your case, and other aspects of a divorce you may have been unaware of. Do not take for granted that you may be unaware of certain points in your case. Rather, if you can hire an attorney that you trust and feel comfortable with you are more likely to provide that lawyer with the information, he or she needs to help you make good decisions now and in the future.
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Bryan Fagan, a native of Atascocita, Texas, is a dedicated family law attorney inspired by John Grisham’s “The Pelican Brief.” He is the first lawyer in his family, which includes two adopted brothers. Bryan’s commitment to family is personal and professional; he cared for his grandmother with Alzheimer’s while completing his degree and attended the South Texas College of Law at night.
Married with three children, Bryan’s personal experiences enrich his understanding of family dynamics, which is central to his legal practice. He specializes in family law, offering innovative and efficient legal services. A certified member of the College of the State Bar of Texas, Bryan is part of an elite group of legal professionals committed to ongoing education and high-level expertise.
His legal practice covers divorce, custody disputes, property disputes, adoption, paternity, and mediation. Bryan is also experienced in drafting marital property agreements. He leads a team dedicated to complex family law cases and protecting families from false CPS allegations.
Based in Houston, Bryan is active in the Houston Family Law Sector of the Houston Bar Association and various family law groups in Texas. His deep understanding of family values and his professional dedication make him a compassionate advocate for families navigating Texas family law.
