We have all experienced one of those moments in our lives. I’m talking about doing something we know is not smart long term but would feel good in the moment. For many of us, this boils down to saying something out of frustration or anger. It could be something we say to a spouse, friend, or family member. Essentially, our emotions could boil over and cloud our better judgment. As a result, instead of biting our tongue, we may say something that we come to regret.
There is ample opportunity in a divorce case to say and do things that we may come to regret. The divorce case is already one where you are unhappy. Very few people go into a divorce with a smile on their face. When you are already upset or on edge emotionally it becomes an easy release to say something to your spouse that could be embarrassing. Our subconscious mind may take some pleasure from the immediate harm to our spouse.
However, what we need to ask ourselves is what impact this could have on the divorce overall. Can your actions in embarrassing your spouse now end up hurting you in the long term? This is what we’re going to be discussing in today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Embarrassing your spouse may feel good in the moment but it’s not a smart long-term play. Here’s more about why that is true.
Impact of embarrassing your spouse on your children
When we talk about embarrassing your spouse the impact of that behavior is not necessarily limited to just the two of you. Rather, if you have minor children involved in the case then they will be impacted, as well. For instance, your children will be spending time with you and your spouse in each of your homes moving forward. That means that they’ll need to learn how to adjust to a changing home life. There are sure to be some awkward moments and other issues that arise managing this changing dynamic.
For starters, you and your spouse have a responsibility to your children to make decisions that are in their best interests. This considers your child’s physical and emotional development. For the life of your child, you need to be able to put their interests ahead of your own. A simple question to ask yourself is: does embarrassing your spouse stand to help or harm your children? If you were to ask yourself this question, how would you honestly answer? This may not be an easy is she to approach given your history with your spouse.
It will be difficult to argue that embarrassing your spouse was anything but bad for your children. While you may not have to spend time with your spouse moving forward your children will. Having a parent who is embarrassed or upset because of something you said does not sound like a great way to begin that relationship after a divorce. When you consider your actions from this point of view it is easy to see why embarrassing your spouse would be a bad idea. Let’s spend some time discussing the specifics surrounding why or how embarrassing your spouse could be negative for your children.
Communication is key when it comes to Co-parenting
To begin with, when it comes to communicating with your ex-spouse after a divorce communication is key. The groundwork for that communication is laid during your divorce. Again, it may feel good to say something or do something embarrassing to your spouse during a divorce. However, in the long run, that will almost certainly harm your ability to communicate well with him or her. Their thoughts would immediately turn to the embarrassing thing that you said or did concerning him or her.
Coordinating your parenting efforts with your children means looking at them each day and trying to determine how to proceed. Day-to-day decision-making on issues related to your children comes down to structure and consistency. For instance, if you decide that your child needs to be grounded or have some other restriction on their behavior because of an issue at school then that means your ex-spouse should understand your logic. If your ex-spouse decides not to discipline your child, then your attempts at that discipline will be unsuccessful.
In short, by embarrassing your spouse during the divorce you may never recover from a communication standpoint. Your spouse may be unwilling to consider anything that you have to say moving forward as far as updates on your child. Your son or daughter will be caught in the middle of these disagreements. Instead of considering only the immediate outcomes associated with embarrassing behavior think ahead regarding your children. When you consider the impact on your kids it is unlikely that any benefit comes from your behavior.
Being caught in the middle makes emotional challenges more difficult
When it comes to children in a divorce certain types of emotional stressors are put on the children. Namely, your children may feel like they are having to choose which parent they want to spend more time with. Now that your child technically has two options to choose from, he or she may want to spend more time with one parent or the other. This naturally sets up a dynamic where your child could feel guilty about leaving one parent for the other period, this is not how a divorce works. Your child is not having to choose between both parents. However, it can feel like that in the moment for your child.
Now picture yourself in the shoes of your child. You and your co-parent are not getting along. Just the prior week you said something about your co-parent to purposefully embarrass him in front of your son. Now he has refused to take your phone calls and is not communicating any updates about your child’s performance in school. This is difficult for you because the two of you have recently gone through a divorce. A major issue in that divorce case was your child’s grades in school period now your co-parent will not even return your phone calls.
When parents express frustration with one another that oftentimes boils over. A frustrated child is unable to express herself as well as an adult. One of the main issues that we in the family law world see from situations like this are impacts on children’s mental well-being after a divorce. Ideally, you and your family would use the time after a divorce to help your child find stability and consistency in their lives. When parents choose to put their desires in front of their children that presents unique challenges for the family.
Child custody issues
One of the great misnomers of a family law case in Texas is that judges always decide child custody issues. The belief is that in your divorce case, it is likely that a judge will play a tiebreaker when you and your spouse cannot agree on issues related to visitation and possession of your children. However widely held this belief is the reality is that you and your spouse have ample opportunity to settle your case before a trial.
In your child custody circumstances, it may become necessary, however, to go before a court. This happens when there are issues that the two of you are not able to settle through mediation. Preparing for a trial means being able to submit Yourself to the judgment of a court. A judge will consider all available evidence when determining issues related to the best interests of your child. Your behavior during the divorce matters. If a judge perceives that you have acted inappropriately towards your Then you are unlikely to like the results of your trial.
Embarrassing your spouse during a divorce shows a poor temperament when dealing with stressful situations. Nobody would argue that a divorce is a difficult time. However, when You overstep your bounds and act inappropriately that perception sticks with the fact Finder in your case. When you are attempting to win primary custody of your children that means every fact of your case is going to be considered in detail.
A longer and more expensive divorce may be the result
In a divorce case, a common goal is to reduce the length of a divorce. Unfortunately, when spouses engage in behavior like trying to embarrass their partner that may go against their prior goal. Almost any person who begins a divorce will tell you that a key goal of theirs is to reduce the length of their case. This can be achieved by engaging in diligent negotiation. The more time spent trying to embarrass your spouse is wasted time. Ultimately that kind of behavior serves no purpose in the case and does nothing to improve your chances at a quicker divorce.
Since family law attorneys bill by the hour, a longer divorce is also going to be a more expensive divorce. The more efficient you are with your time it will translate into the less expensive your divorce will be. Time spent in a divorce also means more time for you to potentially spend focusing on your career or other pursuits. Again, all of this time and money lost will have accomplished nothing in the divorce case itself. All that you stood to accomplish will be sacrificed for a moment or two a feeling that your words and your actions made a difference in some way. In truth, they did not, and you are harming yourself in the process.
Compromising is the key to any set of divorce negotiations
In a divorce, you come face to face with the prospect of having to find common ground with the person that you disagree with on a variety of subjects. That does not mean that you can afford to assume no possible middle ground with this person. Rather, you and your spouse must work together to try and find room for compromise wherever possible. This extends two issues related to marital property division and child custody. Both subjects require that you and your spouse set aside your differences in hopes of being able to arrive at meaningful and long-lasting settlement negotiations.
Being willing to accept the positions of your spouse as valid may not be easy after you have embarrassed him or her. Saying things just despite your spouse may feel good briefly. However, the reality is that there are long-lasting consequences to embarrassing behavior and the negative energy that goes with that behavior. Saying something inappropriate to your spouse during the divorce it’s rarely something that leaves no long-lasting impact. Rather, the consequences of your actions I typically felt throughout the life of your case. Do not be surprised if your spouse is less willing to negotiate with you.
Your relationship with your spouse is ongoing
At first glance, a divorce may seem to be the end of your relationship with your spouse. After all, it is an end to your marriage relationship. With that said, it does not mean that you and your spouse will no longer have to work alongside one another in life’s most important areas. For instance, consider the situation where you and your spouse have minor children together. In that case, the two of you are still responsible for co-parenting and raising your children. Do you think that your spouse will be eager to co-parent with you after you have said or done embarrassing things to him or her?
Your relationship with your spouse will change because of the divorce. That does not mean that the relationship goes away forever. As much as you might like the divorce to be the end of the road in terms of your interactions with your spouse that is simply not realistic. In many ways, your co-parenting relationship with this person is as important as the marriage itself.
Thinking about the relationship and its long-term impacts on your family may help you to avoid bad behavior during the divorce. It is when we only consider short-term ramifications that embarrassing behavior or hurtful words may become an option for us. Rather than act inappropriately it is better to consider long-term consequences and act in a way that furthers your goals.
Working with an experienced family law attorney
If you are the type of person who has trouble interacting with your spouse then an experienced family law attorney is just for you. Consider that an attorney offers you an Ave. for communication. Having difficulty communicating with your spouse during your divorce is not unique. If you and your spouse have problems with communication skills, then an attorney may be able to lower the temperature of the room for both of you. More effective communication means a greater likelihood of settling. This is a reasonable goal for anyone going through a divorce.
Next, for families who deal with constant issues with communication, you and your spouse could both benefit from having attorneys. Being frustrated at your spouse during a divorce is one thing. However, it is a different situation when your spouse purposefully and maliciously badmouths you in front of your children. That is an example of parental alienation. This is a pernicious and damaging behavior for your spouse to engage in. Rather than allowing this behavior to go unchecked you and your spouse have an obligation to one another. If your spouse cannot be honest with you and treat you with respect, then you need to seek protection.
Final thoughts on appropriate conduct during a divorce
Divorce cases are unique. They put spouses just like you in a position where you have to consider your behavior in a way you probably never have before. When you and your spouse began this divorce, it was probably no one’s intention to act inappropriately. However, the frustrations and daily grind of a case put people in a position where they may not act like themselves all the time. This is where embarrassing behavior or unbecoming words enter into a divorce.
That does not mean that you must succumb to these temptations. Working with an experienced family law attorney allows you to gain insight into best practices in divorce. When you can learn how to avoid mistakes and set realistic goals for yourself it goes a long way. The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan thank you for joining us today here on our blog. Our attorneys offer free-of-charge consultations to the people in the communities that we serve.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
The attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law. Before signing a document or negotiating on a subject you do not know well, contact our office. We look forward to the opportunity of serving you during an important part of your life. The Law Office of Bryan Fagan is on your side.
Evan Hochschild was raised in Houston, TX and graduated from Cypress Creek High School. He went on to graduate from Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX with an undergraduate degree in Political Science. While in college, Evan was a four-year letterman on the Cross Country team.
Following in the footsteps of his grandfather and uncle before him, Evan attended law school after he completed in his undergraduate studies. He graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and has practiced in a variety of areas in the law- including family law.
Mr. Hochschild is guided by principles which place the interests of clients first. Additionally, Evan seeks to provide information and support for his clients with the heart of a teacher.
Evan and his wife have four small children together. He enjoys afternoons out and about with his family, teaching Sunday school at his church and exercising. A veteran attorney of fourteen years, Mr. Hochschild excels in communicating complex ideas in family law simply and directly.
